SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome back to the Blurred Spectrum Podcast. Each and every one of you, thank you for coming to this new episode. We decided to uh revisit one of our favorite topics uh because it's always something that each and every one of us go through on a daily basis. It's a day-to-day as uh millennials, Gen Z, Gen X, QX, WX, WKYS, all of those. Um we as a group struggle through different types of stresses. Um, and today we're talking about mental stresses, specifically where we're talking about the self-care, what we do, what we can do, what can help uh us be able to manage uh our mental health, be able to manage the stresses, our mental stresses of daily life. Um, of course, I have a phenomenal cast of panelists today. Each of them in their own individual rights have either gone through, are still going through, or know how to help us not go through. Well, or I guess help the go-through that we're going through, or maybe find a different tunnel that we're going through, or maybe figure out how not to go through a specific tunnel. Anyway, so we got a bunch of people here who can help you get through things that you get through, maybe. Starting with, of course, myself, your moderator, Suchino Shogun. I also have our phenomenal doctor. That's good. I have uh the other doctor, Lady Legacys. I have the other doctor, Cadi Olati Psychology Extraordinaire. I have technically the other doctor, but not diplomatically. Diplomatically? She doesn't have a diploma, she doesn't have a degree, she's not a doctor doctor. Rebecca Quinn, I believe, is who I'm referring to. Doctor? Yes, sure.

SPEAKER_07 1:45

What's up?

SPEAKER_02 1:46

We have the doctor-nurse combination, though she still told me not to call her a doctor, but she is a nurse, but she told me not to call her a nurse. But she's a medical professional. I can call her that. Sayone cosplay.

SPEAKER_09 1:57

Oh my god, I'm not a nurse.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

There it is.

SPEAKER_09 2:01

I'm not a nurse. I'm in pharmacy for now. But hello. I'm not a doctor, but yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

And the young woman who has cosplayed on many characters, including doctors, physicians, uh, psychiatrists, psychologists, uh, ninjas, sorcerers, uh, gooddles.

SPEAKER_10 2:24

Good morning.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

So, uh, what I want to do first, of course, is give each and every one of us the opportunity to talk about what we feel is a good way to indicate our mental health. Um, I've seen a variety of things on TV, read books, newspapers, articles. You know, some people do a, you know. So what's your mental health between one and ten? Or um what what I believe there's like a color chart that you can also use? Or is your uh is your mental health cloudy or are you having a foggy day? There are different ways that people have done it. Like they use like forecasts. Is it the sunny day? Is it rainy? Is it foggy? Is there lightning? Um, so I want to know from our panelists what what are some of the ways that you indicate your mental health? Do you use emoticons? Do you use call the color wheel? Uh do you not talk to people and people just know not to talk to you? What are the ways uh that uh you you showcase your mental health? And we will start with uh the doctor.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Oh, sure. So, you know, it's interesting with that kind of like scale of oh, what's your mental health from like one to ten, or maybe like the color scale, which you see a lot on social media, though like red heart, you know, purple heart, blue, all of that. Like, I actually think that that can be a really useful tool as an internal point of self-reflection initially, you know. So, one of the things that I started doing um a while back was really like when I wake up, you know, when I like have some time to myself, I think about okay, how am I feeling today? Like, if I had to give it a number, or like, is it a good day? Is it a great day? Is it a not so good day? You know, is it a really bad day? And then from there I can start to think about okay, why am I having certain feelings? Like, what are the feelings I'm having that are kind of culminating to this number I'm giving it? So am I feeling just really angry? If so, why? Like, am I feeling really sad today? Um, am I feeling really anxious? You know, I think that's and I think really being able to name those specific feelings. One helps you reflect on, you know, well, what might be driving these feelings? Um, is it something circumstantial? Is it something that I can change immediately? Is it something that I can change over time? You know, I need to work on longer term, but also it gives you a better sense of what affects your mental health too. You know, so I think that that scale or that like ranking and the colors, it's a good start. But you know, you also don't want to go into okay, well, what are the specific emotions I'm feeling? Why am I feeling that? Um, I think those are more useful internal indicators that start to tell you more about yourself and you know, and it can really help you start to figure out why you feel the way you do about certain things. So I found that very useful. This is a point of self-reflection and self-growth.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

Awesome. All right. Um, our doctor of uh psychology, psychiatry, uh Cadio Lati. What is a method that you use or you find that works?

SPEAKER_04 5:40

For me, when I know that I'm not feeling as like in tune or attached to the things that like it brings me joy. Um, I do suffer from like depression, so like when I know that my mood gets really, really low, or I feel like there's this dark cloud or like there's this darkness that's going on, I'm like, all right, cool. Just like the doctor said, what is triggering me? And I know that there is a lot of internal things that are going on that will trigger me to go there, but also when I'm at my best or when I'm feeling joyful, when I am more productive or more outside, when I see myself doing things or being more active, that's how I know that I'm feeling more in my place to receive more positive things. I am learning more of a balance now of rest because being as active as I am, I feel as though that when I'm not active, I'm not doing anything, which then turns into me sitting and wallowing. But then I realize that there is a balance of rest, and I am no longer punishing myself for resting, but I know that I know my timeline of resting. I know if my resting goes past like a certain week or a certain day, then I'm like, all right, there's something that's bringing me a little bit further down, so I just kind of see if I'm productivity actually.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

So okay, productivity. All right. Uh let's uh ask these cyanade Cosplay. What is also uh what is a method for you? How can you uh scale it or how do you keep track of it? Your your mental health, sorry.

SPEAKER_09 7:29

Um, I definitely deal with depression and anxiety, and I would say it with functional depression, um, high-functioning depression, uh, so to speak. So a lot of people don't even know I've suffered from it, but I can tell if I am not doing well by my room.

SPEAKER_10 7:47

Um I can tell.

SPEAKER_09 7:48

Oh yeah. I can definitely tell if um my room is my scale of how I'm doing. If I see that everything is everywhere, um it'll force me to just stop and analyze. I'm like, oh, I need to clean up. Uh, and that kind of helps uh click um a sense of alertness in my mind that it says you ain't doing well. So I'll spend about a day um to clean my room. And I think I post I posted a video on my personal page last week about me needing to clean my room and just like rocking out to music, and it could be an all-day event, not because there's a whole bunch of stuff, but it's more so as where do I start? And I think that is um that is also triggering to me. Like, where do I begin? I'll just kind of sit and decompress and I'll just start little by little. But my room is a big indicator if I am not having a good time um mentally. So um, and that can take it can progress. It could be um, I would say over a course of a week or a course of two weeks, it can be a gradual buildup, but um seeing it visually helps me uh distinguish that I need to do something about it for myself so I can move forward.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Understood. Okay. Um, Lady Legacy, you seem to uh find a uh kinship with uh Simon and Cosplays uh response and reaction. Uh is it similar? Is it the same?

SPEAKER_05 9:17

No, that's the same. Mr. Shogun over there, he's seen my room and he's seen when because it's levels to it. I know how my mood is. Is because you know when you get that energy, like, yo, I'm gonna clean the day. And you got your music on, whatever, whatever. But I know when I'm not completely 100 is when my mood for like cleaning, and when I'm in the middle of cleaning, it just stops. Like that high I got from cleaning, I was like, bet, I'm gonna do my laundry, I'm gonna do this, don't like that. But then if I sit down for like even more than a second, um, and then I then I start to overthink. I was like, oh, but I still gotta do this, oh, but I still gotta do that, oh, but I don't have this to put that in there, and then my anxiousness of like maybe I should put this off, and no, no, no, but definitely my room is like the a marker of I'm not doing the best. I everything is cluttered or even on the floor, or that laundry I said I was gonna put away, I'm still living out my basket. I just, yeah, definitely my room is a hard indicator to know that I'm not at my absolute 100 because usually I would like things put in their place. I like knowing where everything is supposed to be and I'll put stuff away or whatever, whatever. But when I'm going through something, my room suffers. Like if I'm overthinking something about something, my room will suffer. I don't have enough patience or enough wherewithal in myself to see that my room is declining. And then it's a reflection on myself. Like, as my room is cluttered, so is my mind. So, yeah. I give a word right there, that was nice. But but no, but like literally, like when you when you said your room child, like that is ooh, I don't know. Cause you know, when you first get your room clean, everything's put away. You even light a candle. When you light a candle, you know everything is put in its place.

SPEAKER_04 11:25

Between tell me you have a depression closet without telling me you have a depression closet.

SPEAKER_09 11:34

Oh wow, that so I used to uh this goes back to middle school, so it really makes me reflect on how long I've been depressed. Um, I would I would shove everything in my closet to appear that my room is clean. Because you know, to have Caribbean parents or any foreign parent and have a dirty room is like a huge closet or under the bed? Closet under a bed. So I would just stuff things because I couldn't go anywhere. So I would just stuff and shove things in my closet. And if you look at it, it was very gilded. It looked beautiful on the outside, but don't open no drawers.

SPEAKER_04 12:17

Think about what you just said. When you said I've been doing that since middle school, so I've been depressed around the eighth grade, and at least two of us was like, yo, that's been since the eighth grade around middle school time. Why why do you think, or what do you think was going around at that time to make you start shoving things away or like putting it in that one spot where you know that because I know that you had like unlike like me, I had drawers, so most of my clothes were in drawers. Like the closet was like for the good stuff. So if I needed to go in there, I had to go in there, but it wasn't a real choice to go in there until I started putting things in there, and like during that time, like my school uniform used to be out, or it used to be right then where I didn't have to go straight into my closet. So, like, I know for me there was a lot of shit going on, but what was it for you around eighth grade or around that time of transitioning, especially as a girl, that like kind of started making you feel like okay, if I just put it here and I start closing it, and then I'll be fine, and then I'll just you know. Y'all ready for this one?

SPEAKER_09 13:27

Um, so my parents' relationship was very turbulent. All I ever knew was a lot of verbal abuse. Um, so I learned I didn't want to be like them or I didn't want to argue. So I would just just to have some type of reprieve, just to be able to get out of the house, because like I felt I remember a friend of mine said you're always gonna be grounded. And it was grounded for the stupidest shit, like your room's not clean. And I didn't want to deal with hearing arguing or any verbal attack. So I would just quickly remedy something just to be able to have some type of control. Um, even though I know it wasn't going to fix the problem, it was gonna put a band-aid, and a band-aid was was the quickest route of safety and reprieve I can do to be able to experience some type of type of normalcy. So I definitely know. I mean, this goes back, I'll probably have to say sixth grade, um, for sure. Eighth grade, yeah. I would say it's sixth grade was the start of it. Um, and I remember I would come home and see, you know, my my mom would find out that I had stuff on my stuff, and she would like dump everything all over the place and make me clean up. That was very triggering. Um, I'd just come home and see like all my stuff scattered, and it would be like I'd have to walk on mounds of like all my stuff, some stuff that weren't even that were even organized, and I'd have to clean it up from the ground up. So I just didn't know what to do because that was my that was my method of maybe I can go roller skating if I just clean up this room real quick just to get out of this house. But that was it, it was just I just needed something, some excuse to get out of this very turbulent house.

SPEAKER_05 15:12

So yeah, a lot of reinforcement on all that honestly, super relatable. I don't know if it's a black thing or it's an African thing or is it a whatever, because you know you have to do a level of chores before you ask to go anywhere. Yes, even if they didn't say because you because you'll get to a place where you're conditioned now. If I don't do this level or this amount or this certain thing, if they see certain things or just give them not just to not give them something to talk about, I know I'm not going nowhere. If they see dishes in a sink, child, you ain't going nowhere. If you see something on their floor, you're not going nowhere. If you haven't done like you have to think of the laundry list of excuses of what they might say to you. So that's already in the mind of do I feel like going through the race and the the marathon of cleaning that something probably that's already cleaned or put away or something that's not that serious because you know that's your ticket to get your ass out of this house. Because I I knew good and well if this is them saying, You go nowhere. You're going nowhere, even though they'll probably just be like, okay, wash this first and then you'll be done. But you don't want to pile on that laundry list of laundry to do something else. You dig what I'm saying? Yeah, because that that's a yeah, I don't know if that's a black thing or like an African thing, yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:39

I can super relate. It's interesting because mine, um, so I do with generalized anxiety. I've had this most of my life, but it really started around the seventh grade for me because that was when I realized I was no longer allowed to fuck up. Like I could not. I it was kind of very quickly enforced that I was, you know, the oldest child on my mom's side. I was one who had to get make sure I got the perfect grades. I had to make sure I was responsible for my brother and sister at the time. Like, and there was no room for error. I think the first time I got like a B minus in a course, like I remember my great-grandmother literally saying, like, oh my god, well, what is wrong with Rob? You know, and like it was it was devastating for me. And like, that's my anxiety issues around presentation, uh, you know, around, you know, making sure that I'm a certain level of professional in certain spaces and all that, that I have to look a certain way, that I have to maintain a certain, you know, basically a certain level of responsibility and appearance of responsibility. Otherwise, like I'm ruining the fucking family, like, and that and then like have that placed on you at 12 years old, like was yeah, it just kind of fucks you up.

SPEAKER_05 17:52

Why are you preaching, baby?

SPEAKER_04 17:54

You you you you you you you speak of a sermon because that you talk about when I came home, and because I had praise and worship and I did soccer, but I went to sleep, and my dad knocked on my door and said, Why are you sleeping? You need to be reading the next chapter. You should be getting A's, A's, A's, A's, A's. Come on, son. I'm only in seventh grade, bruh. Like, I just hit the second quarter.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

That shit's so damaging to like young kids.

SPEAKER_05 18:35

Honestly, I would say both to that, but I think after a while, I would say especially for me, because I did surf for anxiety, I think earliest high school, definitely high school. And I I do believe it is, you know, parents and expectations, stuff like that, but that's some of the stuff that grew into me doing it to myself. When I tell you, I am my biggest critic, like I I don't give myself any slack, any grace, pun intended. It just but yeah, I didn't like because when I would do these certain things in school and whatever, whatever, even though my parents just wanted me to try my best, basically, I took it as you can't fail, or you'll fail them, or you're a failure, or you need to try harder because this isn't what you're supposed to be doing. So it was, and after a while, they would see that it would be a visceral reaction to me if I got anything lower than this or I didn't get this or whatever, whatever. So it would be them like, Grace, calm down. Like, it's I'm I'm fine. I don't I want you to relax. But I I I for a long time couldn't get out my head like I can't fail. There's no there's no room for error. I have to do this, I gotta get it on the first try. If I don't, end of the world. Throw it away. No. So yeah, that was my yeah, definitely. I want to see a little mixture of both parents and definitely myself that put that pressure on me from something that wasn't even there. Like that pressure of you have to get this, you have to get this, you have to get this, but it's me saying it to myself more than anything. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Um I did wanna uh Doctor, did you have something you wanted to add to them? So Oh no, no, go right ahead. Um, I did want to give uh Miss Skittles and uh Dr. Rebecca Quinn the opportunity to give their um meters, I guess, uh, of how they rate their mental health levels or stress levels. Uh Miss Skittles, or I guess Miss Rebecca Quinn will let you go first.

SPEAKER_07 20:53

Oh, okay. Um, so I can't really say mine is necessarily a scale. I get really combative.

SPEAKER_03 21:02

Um really shut up.

SPEAKER_07 21:07

More than usual, and is normally extremely targeted to the people in the house, more so my husband. Um, and I think my therapist had to tell me, you know, you're you're going through a spell, pretty much. She's like, How long have you been doing this? And I might tell her it's been like a week or two. And she's like, Yeah, you're you're having an episode. Um, I've already had an anxiety attack, I don't recommend. Um, so I think like listening to you all, I think I can take pieces of your story, like Sayone, like my parents weren't argumentative, my dad was. So um as I got older, I became um combative. So, you know, when you hit 16, you're you've gone through your cycle at least a couple times. And you feel like you've grown. So him and I would be on arguments that would be on a thousand. Because at some point I was like, you're just not gonna talk to me any type of way that you feel like it. You might talk to mommy and she'll walk away, but I'm right here and I'll argue with you in your face. Um, so that happened, and then during middle school, definitely was depressed, had a suicide attempt. Yeah, so I I I know my depression definitely stems from probably sixth grade and on. Um yeah, yeah, like like seriously, because I was getting so the the person y'all see now is not the person that I was, so certain things I would internalize, like the fact that I was short, I I was hella teased about my height, my weight, and then a whole bunch of you know rumors and lies and stuff that gets spread in school. So definitely going through all of that, and I didn't share it. So my mother had no idea. Like she was the only adult in the house that I would talk to pretty much. So she had no idea. Like, I think I just told her like a year or two ago. So she had no idea what was going on. Um, and then in college, I think it all I all hit a wall where my therapy, my new therapist was like, because I don't empty out all my drawers per se, because I compartmentalize everything, um, everything is gonna hit me all at once, and sure enough, it did after something else traumatic happened. So, yeah. Um I now it's just me getting super combative and me realizing that I am, and then I have to apologize and say, I'm sorry, I'm having an episode. Now, for everybody else externally outside of this household, I just won't answer the phone.

SPEAKER_03 23:52

Yep.

SPEAKER_07 23:54

I I'll block you, I'll I'll shut my phone off, I'll put it on do not disturb because I either I don't want to react in a negative way or I just don't want to be bothered.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

That is, do you feel as though, and I again I'm not the therapist, I am no therapist, do you but I want I did want to ask, do you feel like not blocking per se, but but you know, not communicating with outside individuals helps, or do you feel like it it's just a means to an end until you can get back on the boards, for lack of better words?

SPEAKER_07 24:32

Um, it's a means to an end because I don't know what you would say would trigger me to give you a response that's outside of a normal me. Understood.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

And she's back again. And you look good, girl. Maxing the stitch on her chest.

SPEAKER_05 24:49

Okay. For the prep, yes, preparation. For the inveil, yes, you.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

I'm sorry, guys. It sickens me every single time she does this and gives us no warning at all. She's like, let me let me let me try 20 minutes in. I think 20 minutes in will work. Yes. Um, but yes, Miss Skittles, uh, your power, what are your methods? What are your ways of determining your stress or mental health levels?

SPEAKER_08 25:18

Um, that that so I've been sitting here thinking about I've been sitting here thinking about it the whole time everybody's been talking. But um for me, I I know I am out bad when I when I stop, when I stop moving. I'm also like high functioning. Um, I suffer from depression and anxiety, um, but I'm also high functioning. So when I when when I when I come to a hoax, and a lot of times I feel like it shouldn't come to that, but I'm just all I'm just like keep moving, keep busy. Um, I'm also somebody who um compartmentalizes a lot of things. Um I I keep things to myself a lot of the times, only in my I would I wouldn't say since 2020, since the pandemic, um, which is the first time I ever uh got therapy, started therapy in 2020. Um and only since then have I begun to confide in people or uh in my friends, uh family, the general public about mental health. And um that's that's kind of how I talk through things with myself sometimes. Um just sharing with other people helps me talk through my own shit sometimes. So um for for me that's that's something that helps me. Um most most of the time that's probably the the the biggest thing that helps me. Um me sharing. So other people know that they're not the only ones going through, you know, a lot of the things that we go through as people who suffer from depression and anxiety. So um yeah, when when usually if I'm if I'm stopping uh like production or productivity, uh things when I stop, you know, caring about things that normally generally make me happy or um I I wouldn't say I'm I'm too much like uh Sione and Lady Legacy's, but when I'm out bed, my my house is generally very tidy, but there will be things that'll get left uh in the court, like like clothes in a basket for living out the the c the basket for weeks on fold my clothes, um uh dishes in the sink. Whoo lordy, like that's a that's a that's a big one right there, because I don't leave no dishes in the sink, and that and that's that's because of my childhood. You don't leave no dishes in the sink. Um you ain't going outside, okay?

SPEAKER_05 28:18

You actually live by yourself and you got nobody else to blame for the new give is you.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

I'm just like like nobody else.

SPEAKER_05 28:24

Who else put this there?

SPEAKER_08 28:26

Right. It's you like how does how does this get in the sink? Damn, I left it in there, yes. That's you. That's you. So um, yeah, that I mean that's pretty much how I gauge myself is when I'm and and I feel bad because I honestly I don't think that's really a gauge. It's just like I'm at the I'm at 10 at that point. Um so yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Okay. Um, I guess I should try to answer this question. I don't think I can. Um, because realistically, I'm I only determined this stage of where my mind is at within the last two years. And, you know, all of the I, you know, I try my best not to utilize a lot of people's techniques because it to me it's almost like the whole um self-diagnosing yourself, you know, looking at WebMD and all this other stuff. Um, because I don't want to, you know, yes, I've lived out of a basket before. Yes, I have not put clothes away before. Yes, I've left dishes in the sink. Yes, stuff happened in middle school. So, like, you know, listening to everybody else's points of view and everybody's experiences, I'm like, oh, I've gone through several of these different things at several different times, but I don't want to specifically say, oh, this is the reason why I feel that way, because there will be times where all of these things are transpiring and I'm perfectly fine. So I think. But then I'm like, I don't know, because how can I tell? So from I guess I would represent the group of people who are new to the concept of acknowledging that something is potentially wrong, and acknowledging that different things are affecting them negatively, positively on a mental health scale. Um honestly, this podcast has helped me realize a lot of things about myself, about where my mind is at, about where my stress levels are at, about where my mental health is at. And a part of walking this path and trying to identify what I can do to help myself, um, I feel like I've caused myself more stress because I'm I'm a very big, and I think everybody on here knows me well enough to know I'm a very big fix it type of person. And not, I mean, of course. Fuck you all. Um, I used to be an immediate fixer, but now I'm kind of like a let me try to find a solution for you type of fixer. And living in a situation or or or accept, I mean changed that, accepting a level of depression or accepting the fact that I have depression is difficult because depression isn't a oh you have it, let's fix it, type of situation. It's a you got it. Now let's live with it situation. And that don't sit right with me. So in in acknowledging it, I'm like, like, especially initially, and and um, if Shampoo bracelets was here, Shammy B was here, he definitely was uh one of the initial people um that helped me, you know, acknowledge it. It's for me, I was like, okay, okay, cool, I get it.

SPEAKER_11 32:01

You know, I did this, this happened, so that's why I'm feeling this way, cool.

SPEAKER_02 32:05

All right, so to fix it and to get it out of my system, I just have to do, and that literally was my mindset. That was the conversation I had uh walking into it. And I would try different things, feel good for a couple of hours, maybe a couple of days, maybe a couple of weeks, and then whether it's life, whether it's triggering situations, whether it's a show not coming out on time, or um okay, so one of okay, I think I might have found one. One of the things that I know that I am falling into a a certain level of uh lower mental health, I guess I'll call that, is when I become extremely clumsy. Now, let me explain. It's not clumsy as in I'm stepping on this, I'm tripping over that. It's I'm clumsy and I'm I'm I'm blaming it on my mental stability. So I'll explain a little bit deeper. So, for example, um uh a couple days ago, I was at my desk, I was working on some stuff, I stood up and I was walking, and I had recently come back from a convention and opened a suitcase and left it in the middle of the floor. Still there right now, uh Lady Legacy's concede said suitcase. Um and because I left it there, I got up and I tripped over. Now, going back to what Lady Legacy's and Silent A Cosplay said earlier, when you, you know, certain stages of you know your depression or or or your mental health rear their ugly head, your room or your environment gets kind of cluttered, and it's a it's an example of what's going on in your head, right? But the problem is I have several businesses, I have how I'm life, I have a bunch of different things. So when all of these things get intertw intertangled and and and conflicted, now I'm like, okay, well, I tripped over this suitcase. Damn, let me try to clean this up. Oh, wait, but there's this cable in here that I needed this for this other TV. So then I move it over there, but then I trip over this shoe. Man, I should have cleaned the shoe. Oh, the shoe is here because I was supposed to work out this morning. So let me actually let me try to get like 30 minutes in and work out. So I put one shoe on or two shoes on, walk over to go turn on the music to work out, find out, oh, I didn't move the speaker back from this other event when somebody dropped it off. So I'll move the speaker back over here. So now I'm, and I know this is a thing, I don't know what it's called, but I'm moving each of these different clumsy yet forgetful things that I'm doing from one room to another. And by the time I get back to it all, it's now the end of the day and nothing actually got done. I think it's like ADHD.

SPEAKER_06 34:44

Anyway, um, but um, but I'm it also sounds like what you do in your mind, how you deal with a situation and then put it in a compartment and then push it away.

SPEAKER_02 34:55

Right. But the thing is, I don't always do that. That's recently happened within two years. Normally I complete a task and then I move to the next task. That's normally how I work. But now it's been every time something triggers me to remember remind me of something from before about something that I have not done, that's something that has irritated me or something of that nature, I don't get it done as well. So it's just like one, like even right now, this train of thought is linking me to another train of thought, and I'm trying to slow myself down.

SPEAKER_04 35:23

What it sounds like, it seems as though that you have found because you are so organized, you have found a functionality in disorganization. But your disorganization has a room for everything, like Rebecca Quinn said, like a compartmentalization for everything.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Yeah, however, everything and everything in its place.

SPEAKER_04 35:48

Like you said, if some like now that you tripped over the suitcase, but the suitcase reminds you of that, and then that reminds you of that. You know that you have these things to be done, but do you feel as though that your memory may have been triggered or or is now re-triggered for certain things? Like you told yourself that you're gonna do that later, but you know why you're gonna do that later, but then you don't get up to doing it until it re-triggers you again through memory.

SPEAKER_02 36:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 36:21

Okay, so um that probably that not probably that's more than likely an ADHD response, but not in the sense of like you can't focus, it's just that you're focusing, but you're zeroing in on doing the task instead of the actual task being done.

SPEAKER_10 36:42

Yeah, that's what I'm gonna want.

SPEAKER_04 36:44

Like, oh, I have to do this task instead of the task is dot dot dot.

SPEAKER_06 36:49

Right.

SPEAKER_04 36:51

You have because you have started from there and you're now like, okay, I'm able to do all these things and have all these items in a sense. I think the best way for I mean for this to be rectified, if you can, like start putting times on everything. Okay, I know that I'll have to do all this today, it'll take me like 30 minutes to get this done, 20 minutes to get this done. So that may help in a sense of a way. I mean, that may give like you know.

SPEAKER_02 37:19

Oh no, no, you're correct. I time my tasks. Uh the the the problem isn't the task getting done, the problem is the people who interject. No disrespect to the people who are on this call.

SPEAKER_10 37:32

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

Not literally banished.

SPEAKER_02 37:41

I love you all, I really do. Um, no, but no, I and that's what I'm saying. Like, it's the I for me, the reason why I don't associate uh in my mind I don't associate with ADHD and I associate with mental health is the reason, part of the reason why I don't accomplish the task is because I have a a high care tolerance, and I want to make sure that the people are around me are either taken care of or have their things handled. So everybody else's tasks and things that they need take precedence over the things that I need to have done. So it's not just tripping over something and not handling it, it's somebody else's task takes precedence.

SPEAKER_00 38:31

And you know what's interesting, and this is you know not my medical device or whatnot, but it it reminds me a lot of what I deal with when it comes to. So one of the ways my anxiety manifests when it comes to how I interact with like other people and whatnot is I really, really care about doing things for them because if I take away, let's say if I take away some of the effort to do something for me, I feel like it feels selfish and it looks selfish. And I don't want these people to think I'm selfish. So I want to make sure that I'm doing everything for them. And that starts to get starts get internalized into, you know, as you think and feel this way more and more and more, you just neglect yourself more and more, and you put all your emphasis into pleasing everyone else, but you're not uh, you know, really accepting yourself or really like taking care of yourself. You know, I'm sure we've all heard the old saying, like you can't pour from an empty cup, but like that's really, really true. So, you know, it's always good to help others, and it's always good to think about others, you know, when it comes to you know what you do and the people you care about, but you do also have to think about yourself, and that does tie into mental health too. Like, I think I think it's interesting, you know, and we kind of talk about this bigger question of like how we indicate our mental health. Yeah, a lot of the external measures that tend to work really well for most people. So, like the room is a great example, like that's a really good indicator of one's mental health for a lot of people, or like um things like with productivity, for instance. Like for me, it doesn't work very well at all because my anxiety is functional in an extreme way to where, like, in some ways, it makes me more considerate because I really care about what other people think, you know, and that means I cater to other people more and that actually helps relationships more. It makes me more productive because, you know, I want to make sure that, you know, my colleagues, you know, see me as a productive and you know, your professional individual. So it actually makes me work harder harder. So the external indicators all probably look really, really good for me in terms of health, but internally it's a fucking nightmare. Like that's where all the self-doubt and self-hate and the constant, like, oh, all these people are judging and talking about me. Like, that's where that comes out. So, you know, it's but it doesn't present very well. But internally, I'm thinking every time I go into a new space or professional space, like, oh my god, like what do these people think of me? Like, are they talking about me? You know, do they think I look like this? Do they think like, you know, I'm just like super self-conscious about that. So that's why those internal indicators of how I feel work better for me, um, as well as some of the external ones. But they both are really useful tools. And you know, when you think about in your case, um, some of these indicators being that you start to focus more and more on external tasks or tasks for external people, like that's also a pretty notable symptom that can link up to a lot of things related to mental health, whether that's anxiety, uh, you know, ADHD is so, of course, you know, very much in that sphere as well. But, you know, it's just something to it is something to think about, and it helps you figure out how to navigate it too.

SPEAKER_09 41:58

So I wanted to add on if that's okay to the doctor. Um, so my therapist had said something revolutionary to me, I would say in the beginning of this year. And he was, you know, I I too am a people pleaser. Uh, I see I hold a lot of value on how people see me from how I look, how I act, um, how I present myself, how I speak, uh, code switching, which I feel like a lot of us do. And he said he asked me questions about my childhood. And he was saying that it is the parents' responsibility to instill confidence into their child. It is the parents' responsibility to instill self-worth into their child. And if not, what ends up happening is that the child will always find wanting self-worth by validation from other people, by how can I make you happy? Trying to get that that feel good, I would say, oh my gosh, you done so well, or you you are so amazing. And that gives us a sense of worth because it probably wasn't something that we received as a child. We were, I would say, molded into the type of person they wanted us to be. We were molded into our expectations. How does it look? How does it look? How does it look when you do something? How does it look on me when you don't do what I want you to do? And so our whole entire identity is trying to fit this mold that was created for us. A lot of times we are adults and we don't even know what we even like to do, you know, who we are, or what does it mean for us to be happy because of that? So I think a lot of it, and you know, listening to everyone speak, a lot of it sometimes we have to go back to our childhood. What does it even mean to be us? What do we like to do outside of other people? We can't live our lives or identity on the basis of other people's happiness because at the end of the day, We still don't know who we are or what our happiness even looks like. And a lot of times we will navigate all through life still trying to understand what that is. Or if somebody asks us, what is our favorite something? We'll probably like, I don't know, because we still were not given that opportunity to figure out who we are as people.

SPEAKER_02 44:22

I find it that that that meme on TikTok that goes around about how we are the adults that the kid versions of ourselves would find would be the most comfortable with. Like how, you know, how powerful that is just to sit and like really take that in. It's like the person that we are now, even with the flaws that we have, even with the stressors that we have, even with all the stuff that's going on, the individuals that we are now, that sixth, seventh, eighth grade. And it's interesting because like now having this conversation we're having today, really zooming in on the middle schooler version of ourselves. Because when we're children, you know, toddlers into elementary, basic functional skills. But like, and you know, I think about this because I'm you know, I also think about my nephew who's about to go into middle school. There's a there is a evolution, if you will, of us going from elementary, grade school into middle school. And that sixth, seventh, and eighth grade period of time is where you know, between puberty, between, you know, uh the changing of the different types of courses that you interact with, the you know, uh topics and the grade level of education, depending on where you live, is heightened and you know, the different types of people you're gonna meet, because now you know you've been with the same people from potentially from kindergarten to you know fifth grade. Now this middle school is supposed to be this uh hub of a bunch of different elementary schools. So now you're gonna interact with people from all over the county, potentially from wherever you live, or all over the city, but there's more than one school, so now it's a it's a it's a it's a melting pot. Now you're going to be faced with a bunch of different problems, a bunch of different people. So that individual, that child, that adolescent, would feel the most comfortable with the individual who you are now, no matter what you are currently facing. It's such a um for me, it's a very eye-opening type of thought process. Because I remember myself in middle school. Man do I remember myself in middle school. That's shocking. Anyhow, anyway, um, that individual would be shocked to know that an adult could do all the things that I am doing, that adult him can do all the things that he's doing. Um he feels like it and owns businesses and stuff like that, and doesn't have to. And, you know, kind of going back to what, and touching on what Lady Leg, as I said before, because this goes into my next question. Um, because she had brought up, you know, one of her things is when she was younger, uh, she felt a certain parental pressure uh placed on her that she eventually then turned into her own pressure that she put on herself. And the question I wanted to ask, um, because I didn't feel that pressure until later in life. And that was only because I had an older sister and I had a younger sister. And kind of like the uh like the doctor said, because he was the oldest child, he felt the pressures of taking care of the younger siblings. And as Lady Legis said, as the youngest child, she felt certain pressures that came from her parents as well. For me as a middle child, I saw the older pressures, the other pressures that the older child had, and I watched the pressures that the younger child put on themselves. Now, won't say I didn't have anything going on, but those types of pressures were completely, completely omitted from my mind because I was like, oh well, if you're worried, if the old older child is taking over the uh taking over the kingdom and the younger child is is dealing with their own shit, then I can just sit in the middle and mind my goddamn business. That was that was my mindset. I was just gonna coast on through. But of course, life changes and things have to change. If anybody's ever watched Charms, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Um so shit changes and you have to adapt. And um uh the question is with the changing traumas or or or changing situations, I won't say traumas, changing situations in your lives, um, do you feel like there was a individual situation or individual experience that set the course for where your mental health is now? We talked about that age range, but was there an actual situation? I can say there was a situation. Um, I lost a family member, and that family member triggered where my mental health is now. I know that for a fact. I was fine before it. I mean, just fine as I could have been, but that one changed the course of how my life is right now. And I know that's what put me on the path of where I am now because I had to, like I said, you've seen charmed, because I ain't gonna go into it right now. If you've seen charmed, I'll just say I'm hyper Hollowell. That's all I'm gonna say. Um uh, but yes, to my to my panelists, it was there a single situation that you could say really triggered or pivoted your mental health to where it is now, or was it just middle school in general? Because it'd be kind of rude to say that about Med's declassified middle school guide. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 50:02

Honestly, let me just get this out the way because we came from the same cloth, baby. We came from the same cloth, and it makes sense, right? That particular situation definitely set the course of how my brain processes things, and I processed that particular event very slowly, you know, in a way, because happened while I was just starting college, so I was away from home, so I had to basically deal with that situation by myself, thinking, oh, because it happened during the like you'll you'll be fine. No, I I literally yeah, I had more anxiety episodes than I ever had in my life. Sure, my anxiety definitely started in like high school because you know to get in college and all this other stuff, but I was more fearful of dang near everything. Now my feel of failure and especially my imposter syndrome was amplified because it almost felt like I didn't deserve whatever was set out for me. Because how dare I think I deserve this when this other person isn't here? How dare I feel like I can laugh as belly laugh as it is because that person isn't here, and that definitely set a precedent of how I handle things either through college or through grad school, and definitely that imposter syndrome when I'm trying to go out into the world amplified in this entirety. Because even most of the panel is here, especially like Rebecca Quentin and you know Suchi and you know Cottie will know firsthand, I know my shit, but there is a voice in the back of my mind that always says, You don't know that shit, you don't, you don't, because then kind of like what the doctor said, someone is going to see you. Someone's going to see that you're not who you think and how you're presenting. Someone's watching you, and if you're not careful, they're gonna be like, You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You don't. Stop playing. Like, I see you, like you don't know what you're talking about, but that definitely set a tone in how I handle things. Sometimes I can't handle bad news right there. Sometimes I need some time to process it because if I do, it will just take over my mind in the worst way possible. Better than it was now, glory be. But definitely that was a yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:00

Yeah. Oh, I can 100% relate like everything, especially the imposter syndrome, you know, the whole like feeling like someone's gonna find out that, oh, you don't really deserve this, or you shouldn't really be here. Like that's it's something that you know, even now, like I still struggle with a lot. Um and um, I guess, you know, to answer the question, like I mentioned that whole, you know, that period where my grandmother said, like, or my great grandmother said, Oh, you know, what's wrong with Rodman? Like, he, you know, what's going on with him and whatnot. And there were maybe over the course of that, I won't say a few months, there were a lot of instances kind of like that where I noticed the change, you know, I noticed the concern in a way that didn't feel loving, but in a way that felt like oppressive, you know, and I guess up until that point, you know, I was kind of always, you know, oh well, you know, Rodman's so, you know, smart and gifted and so talented and does all these things, and oh, you're so awesome and all that, and oh, you know, we you know, we look up to you and all this stuff, and I felt like really, really uplifted. And I think that that particular event, when I heard that and the ones around that, where I started to notice a lot more of this pressure, a lot more of this really oppression in a lot of ways, like it made me feel like, damn, so all that praise and all that love is really contingent on my success, really contingent on a certain presentation of success that I have to uphold. It goes to where I couldn't even say, oh, I'm struggling with this because I can't afford to not look smart, you know. I can't be the one, I can't look like, you know, oh, Rod doesn't understand something because something could be wrong with me. I would be failing the family. And for as much as people often, you know, family often talk about, oh, we love you unconditionally and whatnot, like yeah, I was it was very reinforced over and over that there are conditions. And the conditions for me were not the same as the conditions for any of my siblings, you know, and I had a certain amount of envy for that. Like, you know, to be honest, like I I couldn't fuck up in ways that said my siblings could because it was a disaster and a failure if I did it. Because I was the one who always had to be perfect, and that really just fucked up my ability to be horrible of people even now, you know, like that's something I genuinely struggle with. Um, in a conversation I had with my therapist like a while back, and this is someone who I've seen probably like for almost three years, with a little bit of on and off, you know, but um no, she's been very good. And I told her, like, I'm not even a hundred percent vulnerable here because I don't want to look too weak, or I don't, you know, and this is therapy, this is the one place where like you really have to be completely vulnerable for it to work, you know, as best as it can. And I can't even do that, you know, and it's you know, and I'm part and I want to say that like it's all just this internal stuff with me, and you know, it's just something that I need to internally work on. But I'll be honest, society reinforces this too. So every time, you know, I start to get a little more vulnerable in certain spaces, I'm reminded why, like, oh no, I have to present in a certain way. I'm required to. And I hate that, you know, it's fucked up, it's not good for my mental health. You know, I think something that I'm working more on is curating my spaces in a way where I find places I can be vulnerable to a certain extent.

SPEAKER_10 57:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:00

I mean, like, even here, like this is one of the few places where, you know, this podcast is one of the few places where I've talked about having a generalized anxiety disorder. That's not something I usually discuss, you know. But you know, I don't want to look quote unquote crazy. Because that's, you know, another thing, another whole thing around big public mental world.

SPEAKER_05 57:20

That that's the worst thing in the world. Like, especially I'm sorry to cut you off, but that that is the one of the worst stigmas that has been put on our culture as a whole. Yes. Having and then the the thing of asking for help. Most people on this panel, I don't ask for no help. I don't. And I should. I should from the bot top of my head to the bottom of my feet, but it's almost not even almost, it's definitely like I put the choice on you that you would never want to help me. That you I'm burdening you. No, there are people been begging me, bro. I have the same number since whatever. Call me. Like, it's the worst thing that you feel like someone will call you weak, even though you're you're literally crying out for help and you've literally exhausted every single option.

SPEAKER_00 58:16

But you didn't.

SPEAKER_05 58:17

But you didn't.

SPEAKER_00 58:18

Right. Oh god, and you know, so that like there is nothing that worries and scares me and makes me more anxious than the idea that I am a burden to someone else. There it is. Like, people don't really get how much that fucks me up. Like, you know, like that that can that has damaged relationships of mine when I start feeling like, oh, I'm burdening you too much, you know? Like, I will step back, and that that's just not healthy, but it's like you said, like, this is something we've been taught over, and it's not easy to undo. At all.

SPEAKER_02 58:57

I've I've had several conversations with I think everybody on here about the fact that I won't call you. Oh, I'm sure you're busy. I'm I'm sure Sayame Cosplay has a cosplay shoot. I can't bother her. Schedule's packed. I'm sure the doctor is doing some type of medical procedure or surgery, even though I know he's not that type of doctor.

SPEAKER_00 59:20

Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_05 59:28

That's that's different. That's the other end.

SPEAKER_00 59:30

No, no, no, no, I know, I know, I know.

SPEAKER_05 59:32

Honestly, that lift the rod. I was like, what the hell is you switching?

SPEAKER_00 59:35

I'm not doing backdoor surgeries now.

SPEAKER_02 59:39

No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, like, this, these are the thoughts that have come into my mind for years. I'm like, I'm sure Rebecca Quinn is busy with the kids, or busy with her husband, or busy with this. We're business partners, and I we used to talk almost more than she would talk to her husband at times because we're working on stuff. But then again, it's like slowly that thought comes into my mind. Oh no, no, no, she's busy. I can't call her right now. I I just can't bother her. Lady Legacy's. Lady Legacy's is busy again, being a doctor, preparing for different things that are going on in her life, getting ready for certain things going on. I can't call her right now. I'm this time, Lady Legacy's in the same house as me. Nah, she's busy. I can't. Nah, I can't go upstairs. She's fine. She's she's she's nah, she's busy. She ain't got time to talk. Caddiolati, cadiolati be out here dipping it, doing it, rocking it, and moving it. I'm like, nah, she's busy. She'll call me when she's ready. But then, like, the you have to break yourself out of that mold. You have to put yourself into a situation where you say the worst thing that they can do is say, I'm actually busy. Well, I mean, will that defeat me? It really won't. Like, I I I mean, I say all the time, although I'm always making fun of her when I say it. But anytime I text or call a Sayone or Miss Skittles, I'm like, I, you know, I know I'm sorry, I shouldn't be misusing the phone number of a celebrity, but I just want to reach out to I just want to reach out. I just I I just had a quick question. Just wanted to ask you something. I'm so sorry. I know your publicist told me to call them first. I apologize for circumventing the procedure. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:22

This look on her face is so much on his face, and I'm just like, she didn't even, she turned on her mic. And still said nothing.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:35

And you know, to to piggyback off of Suji, when he calls me, it's really not about anything personal either. So I don't even know why you're like, I know you're busy. It's like the ask about business. The very rare occasion. Don't even that's why I'm rolling my eyes. Like, nigga, you don't fucking talk to me about no personal shit on average. That's why I was like, okay. Um the very rare occasion that we can talk, it's it's very candid. And then, you know, it would I like to be in his place of comfort and his place of power so that he feels comfortable, so I can give him that voice because I know that he is not used to practicing that at all. And that's okay, but I'm very privileged and honored when he's able. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:26

I was saying, and he doesn't, he don't.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:29

Yeah, he doesn't. So I'm very privileged and honored when he does reach out to me, and it was like pulling teeth um with him uh when it came to I had no idea this is what you're going through. And then right, and we both we both would have about me.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:46

This is episode about all of us, damn it.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:49

I mean you you make all of us become a dentist. It's like we're about to go through some oral surgery, like I was like, wait, what? What's going on?

SPEAKER_09 1:02:57

Let's pull this out. To be fair, to be fair, we all see ourselves into you know what sushi goes through because we all do the same thing, all of us do the same thing, we don't actively reach out to one another because we constantly think they're too busy, they have things going on. I know that I have issues, but they have issues too. Why do I feel like my issues are more important for their for them to listen to me? So we all do it and we're all guilty of it, and it is a fear of being vulnerable because we don't want our vulnerability to be weaponized, even though we know that we are not ones to do that, but because of the past, because that we were able to have that voice, when we tried to have that voice, we were reprimanded, um, so or or or even ostracized for being seen as weak. Um, or we use the the the term shrink, like we I think we need a shrink because I feel like something's wrong with you. I've I've been told that multiple times. Um and it was and it wasn't it was more so because I didn't clean my room, I didn't clean my room, or you're not normal, um, you know, your closet is is full of clothes, and you need to make it shrink. And to that alone, that makes you not want to have help at all because they will automatically make you feel that seeking help means that's that you're damaged goods, yeah. And so we will package ourselves in a prebo to not appear as that to anyone else, and that doesn't do us any help that gives us that does us more of a disservice because then we can't even at least be on the road of recovery mentally, emotionally, like we're we're supposed to, because the people closest to us that should be offering support, they don't. So if the ones that you love and the ones that you're closest to, your family don't offer support, and those ones that are supposed to love you conditionally, unconditionally, like the doctor says, and they don't. If you can't trust your own family, who the fuck are you gonna trust? That's really worse, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:16

For for me, I'll I'll say I'm like a hundred percent spoiled, luckily, because I have a partner that understands me fully.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:24

Um that's like one on the damn brain.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:28

Oh my god. He's sitting right here, by the way. So so like like that's like my pet partner, and that was going on before we even got in a relationship. Like, I've been venting to him. Like, I think we had a conversation. I'm like, damn, I've been venting to you since like my first real, real official love or whatever boyfriend. Like, that's how long I've been venting to him. He like stepped out of a movie to talk to me for an hour because I just shouldn't be balls yeah but so like yeah like I even even as as I said I didn't tell my parents what was going on I'm even uh in this space where I might tell my mom I'm I'm having an episode and she would her response was but you have two healthy children and you have a house and you have all this stuff going on I said okay I need you to stop looking at what else is going on that's not what's affecting me like I think it comes to a point where you have to get your parents to understand how depression really works because when they were growing up that was taboo like we've all said you're not gonna talk about it no you're your what no that doesn't exist that's like it was a a minister that said depression and anxiety doesn't exist and I was like oh I can't listen to you because if you on that bandwagon you were doing a disservice not only to your congregation but to any black person that is watching this clip right now because how dare you sit there and say that so what do you mean people just dying from suicide for no reason you know like like it don't exist they didn't go through a whole spell of depression and anxiety where no one would listen to them first to get there um but yeah going back to the parents you gotta get them to understand it took my mom probably like a year to finally understand what I say when I'm saying I'm depressed to to fully wrap her mind around it's not all the external things it's internal my depression stems from my career not being where I feel like it should be or me not having the things that I said when I was younger that I should have now like when you ask the question of what kicked it over for you children kicked it over for me. And I'm really sure like you know it's those moms it's like oh my god I couldn't wait to be a mama like I'm not that one I could have waited um yes I could have waited till my career was further along but that kicked it over because when we had our first child I had just started my career where I just graduated out of college world so I didn't get that time to A learn how to be a functioning adult outside of you know mom and dad paying for everything because you were in college like I had to jump into adulthood really quickly. Right. So now it's like I have somebody else that is depending on me where I couldn't even depend on myself for the last four years. So yeah children definitely kicked it over for me um it it it's a slow build it's a slow I'm I'm slowly getting off the roller coaster now but that also took me having an anxiety attack and having to sit in the hospital for like three hours where nobody's like oh yo you're fine you're fine I'm like my heart rate is at 120 you lying to where I had to go to my regular doctor which was a black doctor that told me yeah you were having an anxiety attack and put me on like the lowest dosage of anxiety meds possible to where my therapist is like I really think that you should depend that you could benefit from antidepressant medicine because it was just getting worse when when I start getting snippy more than you know a span of two months and I'm like alright I I I need to get off this train but I can't seem to get myself over that hump. That's when it's like that realization that you need help but you also the other thing that was for me is I had to find a doctor I was comfortable with so we've moved twice. So my last doctor I was kind of comfortable with her but this one we have now I was extra comfortable and it made it even more comfortable when she was like girl I'm taking them too we're on the same train because she she just had a baby herself you know we got a little personal and then she was like no I'm gonna give you the lowest dosage we're gonna check in every month I'm gonna see how you're doing like you gotta have that doctor that's comfortable and that is on your level sometimes so you feel comfortable saying I need the help. So yeah that's all I had to say about that.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:23

Yeah it's kind of like what the doctor was saying about you know being vulnerable wanting to be vulnerable while talking to whether it's your therapist or a doctor so on and so forth.

SPEAKER_09 1:10:33

You were gonna say something uh yes I wanted to answer the question about what was the tipping point that I would say molded you into the person you are today. I'll probably say when my parents were getting a divorce and it wasn't the divorce itself because I I thought the divorce would actually would have been very beneficial um to all of our relationships because it was a very turbulent relationship so I was all for the divorce but I think what it was it was something that my father had said to me and um I was very close with my dad when I was younger and he said you know no matter what happens in this divorce it shouldn't affect you. Um you anything like so I use he said something on the terms of I don't want to hear an excuse that it has affected you mentally because this divorce has nothing to do with you.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:28

That is that that can be read two separate ways. First way you said it was very sweet and positive.

SPEAKER_09 1:11:34

The second way you said it wow it was the second way so basically um there's no excuse if I don't do well in school there's no excuse if I suffer you know the that has nothing to do with me because the divorce has nothing to do with me. It's between my parents and I have nothing to do with it. And that could be so far the from the truth. And I think that I really internalized that all the way till now um my grades were slipping and then to be in a foreign household and to not have good grades is is so it's such a disappointment. I was the child always in GT and AP classes. I was in all these upper level classes but I was not doing well in school and it wasn't that I couldn't do the work because I just couldn't focus I couldn't focus I couldn't I I could be in in the class and answer the questions but at home I didn't want to do no work. I just couldn't I couldn't I mentally was completely detached and school was a reprieve for me. School is nation for me though I never missed a day at school I think I missed one day because I had the flu and I was pissed I never miss a day at school and that's like with me at work I never miss a day at work the only time I missed a day at work was even when I had COVID. I'm always there I have so much leave because I'm always at work and it's I just always want to be out of the house because of what the house signifies for me. And and I'm I'm always I'm always about trying to be a hard worker seeing how other people view me but hearing that that anything that happens has nothing to do with me means that I have no excuse if I fail something. That means I'm not done schooling now and that's because it's my fault and the reason why I don't have a good relationship with my father now or I've been attached with my parents is because it's my fault or I'm not I'm I'm never good enough. And even when it comes with my my job when it comes to cosplay when it comes to school I can achieve something and in my mind it's you should have already had that done I was told well I don't you know even I was told that even if I finish college I'm behind so it it's not really as an accomplishment so everything I do in my life is never an accomplishment even when it's supposed to be even when it's supposed to be celebrated even when I had straight eggs for the first time I was like oh that's cool and then I was it like that then like nothing nothing is ever like that's amazing you should celebrate this. Even my birthday is just kind of like it's just a day and so I'm never I'm always found wanting. I'm never happy with anything because I don't value my success by any means I am a huge imposter syndrome fanatic um I'm I I can never do better. I can I can never do do great things. I can always try to be better and even when I have done better I still don't see it as I still don't quantify it as that's great work. That's well that's something you should already have been able to do anyway. So move on to the next that's very damaging because it's it's very damaging because I only hold that attitude with myself that's it I only hold it with myself no one else and I I changed that mentality with my niece my nieces and my nephew and um for my my my birthday I think the best gift that anybody had given me was my niece and she sent me this letter on how I was the best auntie that she's ever had and how I had given her confidence when she was when it was faltering I had given her self-validation where it was lacking and how I didn't appreciate her because of her goals but I appreciated her because of herself and I balled and I balled because I I wanted I needed that for me because that was what I needed. I didn't get that and I wanted and and I know that how I was brought up as privileged so to speak as it was what I needed I needed that emotional validation that was so pertinent to my identity and even though I'm not a mother I I was a young aunt and I wanted to change that mentality and instill those ideologies into my niece that she's beautiful she's brilliant she can do whatever she wants all of her interests even though some people might find them white or odd that she rocks and that she should own it and she should pursue it to the point that both of my nieces they do art my and I would sit down and I would do art with them and to see nuggets of myself and that has positively added into their lives for them to want to be like me I sobbed because in my mind I'm a failure no matter what I do I have failed. Even when I've done great things I still fail because I'll never be to that point of where I should have been and I'll always be found wanting so I think that was definitely the the the turning point um in my life that I still battle with today and it probably will be a lifelong battle because it's it's now turned into my identity my DNA and that's something that's very very difficult to change.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:29

I I'm about to pass it the caveolati but I will say based off of what you just said that's kind of that's a literally a witness testimony of being the adult that the child version of you wants to be around because for your niece to be able to give you the valid not even validation but just to be able to put it into words the things that you just said that you would have wanted an adult to tell you or to give you to instill in you as a child like you said you found nuggets of your younger self in both of them for you to be able to feel those things for her to be able to tell you those things without you even expecting it I think that's already a good step to know that you are doing the things that you would have wanted somebody to do for you and you are doing things that showcase the amazing person that you are at least in that fashion I mean if you still want to be an imposter I can't stop you but I will say you'll make it to the end of the game you won't die Taddy Oli now I was talking about the game imposter nobody got that right okay anyway Taddy Lottie um dang that was so profound because literally everything she said like I could say I experienced that honestly my tipping point both and I would say first oh excuse me first when I was going to grad school plus my parents divorced so starting up going to grad school plus my parents divorced which led my mother move again with me yeah so as soon I was I graduated college a semester late I was supposed to graduate on time but I took a semester and I did pharmacology which is funny but psychology was my background when I told an African man that I wanted to be my background it was literally you can see how that went so as I was about to finish school I I I promise you in December I was about to leave in 26 2015 December my dad called me about the day I was about to leave he's like you should be in someone's school by now by coming this January I don't even I don't even know what I wanted to do with psychology.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:00

I just found out that psychology had different avenues I just found out that it had industrial counseling etc I didn't know what I wanted to do but I was supposed to be in someone's school doing something during that time between January and I would say May or sometime I was just finding different fields of psychology that I may potentially like I found marriage and family therapy it was interesting I wanted to counsel like everyone and do that and started that clinical route but lo and behold I just was just telling my dad about it he was like oh no you're going to law school you can go to law school I was not I was not going to law school and hold me and then I told him I was like the last time that I went after a major or a field that you wanted me to do that I had no interest in I got D's I got an F, I failed the semester and I had to remake the whole semester I was told that I failed because I wanted to fail. It was my fault that I failed I didn't I didn't want to do pharmacology so I in order for me to shut this person up because I knew that if I did not find myself in school within two months living in that house was mentally gonna put me on edge so I had to find my way to get out so I said what is a way that I can put psychology and law together that is when I found forensic psychology still till this very day I cannot tell you anything about forensic psychology why because I didn't give a fuck I triggered y'all this is triggered in real time okay I didn't care but I knew that I need that to happen so I was still living in my house my dad gave me the options he said do you want a car or you want an apartment baby I want to get the book I got an apartment bruh I got out but during that time that first two years I I can remember there was literally a week in October October 5th to October 9th that that whole week was black I cannot tell you what happened that week I literally blacked out because I was super stressed I was not happy I didn't know what I was gonna do with this degree I was working a job I barely even wanted to work I I didn't know anything about bills I was running into different issues I didn't know anything about how adulthood really worked because as soon as I left all I knew was school school school school school and school took care of whatever I had going on so now that I'm here by myself it's like all right cool I found myself a little rhythm it was cool and my parents they started they always had their shit and then they started getting to it and then I was as I said I've been here for about six years I was I'm about to be 29 I was 24 25 when my mother moved in with me baby girl in the kitchen about to go eat right now that period and she knows and we've been through this that period I felt like 24 through 25 that's that part where you mess up that's where you get all your scrapes and your boo-boos and you learn your foundation and you learn what does work or what doesn't work or what could potentially be there or not dealing with the issues of like emotionally you even know what the hell's going on with yourself. So emotionally you take on someone else's stuff while that person is still dealing with their stuff and then you have to be involved because you're considered the most rational person in the family so everyone comes to you and you're the most reliable and everyone always asks you for advice for questions and you still don't know what to do for your own damn self still to this very point in this very moment as you're speaking to everyone on this panel it's still it's triggering so at 29 years old I'm about to be 30 I'm about to hit a new decade I am still figuring out what the F I want and what I like because from the time that I have literally gone to school from four years old up until even now I had I had to mentally take a break from getting my PhD because I said after my master's I'm not getting I'm not getting my PhD I'm traumatized I'm not going to school I'm not doing that not doing that I took a year off it was cool it was whatever I'm now going back to school for my PhD is cool but I know that this I'm doing for me this has nothing to do with no one because I already told myself that I was going to get my PhD before I was 30 and I'm already on my track to that but this had nothing to do with that particular thing. Now I know the freedom that is going to come after that because once this comes into my hand baby y'all ain't gonna have to worry about moving in nowhere to nobody y'all gonna have y'all own house by get out my face don't have to call nobody about nothing go travel somewhere don't call me about nobody I don't have to be worried and and I have came to the point of like not really talking to people and keeping it to myself and becoming resentful of things that are supposed to make me happy like to be real like spending time with my mom I love that lady I am a rabbit pit bull for that woman yes stop talking to me sometimes I don't want to hear you right now I love you it's like it's not today I want quiet time I want to wake up I want to read my book I want to drink my tea I want to watch TV I want to turn it off I want to be quiet I just want to do this I don't want to hear no sound like it ain't much but I would definitely say that I have found my space I have found my way of organization I have found what does work for me what doesn't work for me because when I do have my family when I do have my kids my husband I can't get annoyed that they're always there because they're always gonna be there but that's you can sure can both of them you can love them with all your heart but this can't all right all right all right well to the point where it's literally triggering where it's like alright like it's either you or me so I I I can definitely say that a plethora of people pleasing that people pleasing period had very much triggered my mental health as to what's going on right now and understood.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:53

To me from what I've heard everybody say it sounds like there were two potential major situations that created the mental health environment that you are in right now or the state that you're in right now and then a secondary one that either heightened it or helped you control it that might have happened later in life in your 20s at some period of time. And you know we're not about to dive further into this because that can be on another episode but I would like to wrap up the episode by asking one final question very simple um what is something and uh you know I I think everybody kind of touched on it but just so the listeners can maybe pick it out what is something that you utilize um it can be an activity it can be a person it can be a food what is something that you help to regulate andor uh help your mental health And well, the doctor's already unmuted, so I'll start with the doctor.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:05

Oh, no, Lady Legacy can go first.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:08

Oh, alright. Go. Lady Legacy.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:11

Well, sorry, pop is really loud. Um, I would say that keeps my I mean, most of you, especially, you know, Suchi and Shammy B right there will know I like to paint. And I discovered that I like to paint. And Shammy B contests. She's fucking good ass. It's it's Shammy B will contest that. You know, I'm going through something when my artwork is really good.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:44

Like I'm I Well, that means you are consistently going through something because it's always really good.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:50

Yo, but funny shit, we have like a I have a corner dedicated to all her art, and that's why I call it circle corner. Yep. I tell you some of the most beautiful shit I've seen. Like there's one spot on our wall in our house. That's just her art. Yep. That's all her struggle shit. And it looks amazing.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:08

It looks amazing. I have a gallery, okay?

SPEAKER_05 1:29:14

But like, but yeah, I would say painting definitely keeps my mind off of everything. I'll just have my music playing, and it doesn't have to be anything, you know, landscapy or whatever. I'll maybe find a picture if I decide to give it to someone else. Because most of the artwork I do now, I usually I give it to other people. So usually when I paint and I'm just in my zone and everything, it definitely quiets the storm, or I read a book. Because I went through a period, I think Suchi knows this. I I read within two to three months, I read like 50 books. I'm talking about like novels, like you can see, it's literally almost stacked up to my ceiling because I just kept ordering stuff and I was like, this is great, and I would finish a novel within like a day, and I'm like, I need more. But yeah, I think either reading, because it transports me to a different world that I can forget the one that I'm in currently. Like I can see myself into this scenario that an author put out. I can see myself and see the characters and act out how they're doing or whatever within my mind, and I can get lost in it with was literally sitting there for hours reading. But yeah, definitely painting and reading usually quiet the store. Temporarily, of course, but usually that helps me decompress a lot of pressure that I've built up either during the day or such like that. That's that's my jam, my butter, and my jelly. So yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:30:50

Uh Sammy B is actually answering for this one, not me. Just let you know. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:57

Uh the duh, you will answer now, or is it?

SPEAKER_01 1:31:01

Oh, sorry, sorry. Okay, uh Yeah, so um, yeah, I was I was just I was here mainly just listening to everybody uh talk. There's a lot of interesting answers. Some of the stories I do know about, some I don't. But um, in terms of for this part, she looked at me as like, yeah, what calls you down, or what helps your mental? And um, I don't have an answer. Um and the easiest way to say this is a long, a long time ago now, um, when I was about to go to Afghanistan, I was just going to do a divorce, and I came back and lived alone for like two years. And I tell everybody that was unlike everybody else, is like, what was the triggering point for when your mental became trash? Like my was this is where the trigger report for my mental finally became good.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:56

Like it's like it's hilarious that literally the background is like San Diego. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:02

Because that's where this actually takes place. So it takes place in a fall of land of happy.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:09

If you just point slightly to your left over your shoulders, not too far from there.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:13

Exactly. Actually, you might be right, because I think that over there is about direction I think I would have gone, girl. So but um yeah, like uh, I got used to what I like to call solitude. So um it was pretty much I was during that time when I lived alone, I really I didn't sleep, I barely ate, I played video games a lot, and it was like, but it was a great, and I drank, and it was the greatest thing I think I did for like two years straight. It was a worst, I wasn't even like the worst health. It was probably like some of my best health. It was weird, like it was like it was really weird. Like I shouldn't have been as healthy as I was, but my mental for the first time was absolutely great. And um after that, you know, like I say, go back to reality shit. Uh then we had the kids and stuff like that, bills, responsibilities, you know, stuff's hard. So like, but ever since then, um one of the things that I I can say that I do to help me get over like when I'm going through mental strife or issues, is really I go back to that place mentally. And so it makes so that that's why I said I she asked me, What do I do? And I said, everything, because literally it's no matter what I do, I take myself back to that place of solitude and calmness, where everything it was, even if it wasn't right, even if things weren't right in the world, it was this is a place I can go to get away from anybody talking to me, anybody judging, or anything like that. My apartment is my place of solitude. It will always be in my mind, it will always be a place that looks like my living, my old living room in San Diego, because that is where all my time was spent, just getting away from bullshit. Even when I was homeless, I was sitting in a car, I was surrounded by snow. And I was homeless during winter of like I think 2017, 2018, where the snow was one of the times that is worse in the past couple years. I woke up in my car and my car was damn near encased. And I had to, you know, pretty much climb out of my car to dig it out and then get back in and drive off. But I was still more calm then than I ever was in the time before I went into the military or hell, the time before I even went to Afghanistan. Like it was just like my mental for those moments was so serene because I always had that place to go back to. So even when I'm like, even when I'm stressed out, even when I'm working myself to death, even when like the time when I like I went blind one time and then went back to work. Like it's like I went blind, went back to work until my sight came back and then worked the rest of the day out. You know, it's like like it's just like it was but moments like that was brought to you by San Diego. You know, like it was like when it was just like I would just go, like I can't see, but I can feel I can see my apartment in my mind. So I don't give a fuck. And it's just like if I was, I honestly believe if I was the past, that would be the last rope that I see. And I can say I that would literally be the last rope I see as I walk into the life was this apartment. Like because that is where I go every single time. Shit is crazy. Like it's just like I don't care what my mental is, you can, I don't care what you tell me, I don't care what I'm about to do. Like, like my family saying I'm suicidal, that's not the truth. I just don't give a fuck. Like it's like it does just because I have always got this place where it's like I work out wherever I need to work out and come back. And even if I'm there physically, mentally, I might not be there because I'm in this world. I'll come back with the plan and like the the you that the be that everybody's used to see it now. Cause that is what that gets me. It made me, it gave me a strength mentally that I never had before. And like I said, I was building it, I was I wasn't the weakest mentally, but I was going through it for a long, long time. And uh that apartment, at that time in that apartment, though I was alone, it gave me some of the best, like, gave me some of the best, like, I would say, moments for the future, so to speak. Or it gave me the best strength for the future, where I can always be like, no matter how bad it is, no matter how much you know BS I'm going through, how much rough times I'm dealing with, you always had this solitude. So when you had this solitude, how were you able to think? What were you able to think of? What were you able to do? And I would go back to that because being in that solitude was when I was able to just clear out everything and think. Alright, so this is how I can get through this. All right, this is the situation, da da da da do this, this, and this. I can make do this, do this, this, and this, I can make the it's literally like a black box for me. It's just like too much noise, all right. Cool, let me go in here for a minute, plan out a thought, come back. Like, this is what I'm dealing with, plan out a thought, come back. This is the situation, uh, these are the variables I can work with, da da da come back. And now if that's how y'all get who I am now. It's just like that. That's I go into a black box, I come back with a plan. That's it. I did it. I did it. Yeah, but that's that's how that's that's what it is. That's that's what I do. It's I just I go away. I go away.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:48

All right, uh, the the doctor.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:51

Oh yeah, so I guess for me, um, as far as activities, like you know, I love being out in nature. Um, I think especially in the warmer months and whatnot, like we're kind of getting to now, even though weather today is not very good, but like just being outside, biking, running, hiking, like I love being surrounded by nature and being out in that, and like it definitely gives me a sense of calm. Um, of course, like you know, gaming and whatnot and other interests are great for centering me too. But I think on a broader level, like the big thing I've had to work on more generally that has helped with um, you know, just my mental health is really focusing or learning how to celebrate myself a little bit more than I do. And you know, it's interesting when um Sayone mentioned like you know, birthdays and whatnot and some stuff around birthdays, like my birthday I've always seen as very sacred to me, like really, really important because it's the only time I'm celebrated for anything, you know, and a part of that is that you know, I'm used to like successful accomplishments being not seen as exceptional, but being seen as an expectation, you know, as something that, well, of course you had you had to do that, you know. So it was it's just not not something I was ever really celebrated for, like outside of graduation and my SATs. Um, but that and you know, other than that, it's literally just birthday. So, you know, and I started to realize how much I like I value that because I value a certain level of like celebration and you know feeling appreciated in ways because that's that's a form of what celebration is, you know, it's a form of appreciation. And I think finding ways to celebrate myself more and to appreciate myself more and put some things in perspective, um, and really finding those spaces for that type of joy, you know, and making time to, you know, really intently feel good about myself, you know, and you know, take time to really like celebrate myself in certain ways, um, and just really um, you know, I don't know, that's put myself in a positive head space. I found that to be very helpful. And it's not something that you know you can just always immediately do, especially like if I'm having like a significant anxiety attack, like it's you know, I'm probably not in a great space for positive self-reflection, but um, there are times when I am in that space, you know, where I could positively self-reflect. And I think being able to do that um just helps make, I mean, it does really just helps make life more enjoyable and you know, make it helps you feel more appreciated because once you start to appreciate and celebrate yourself more, you can start to see how others appreciate and celebrate you in ways you might not immediately notice, you know, or might not be that obvious. So um, yeah, I think that's a good tactic for just you know finding your joy.

SPEAKER_04 1:41:00

Okay, how do you have learning to organize, uh, go outside, write, go on solo dates, watch movies, and listen to music and um other things illegal.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:26

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_04 1:41:33

But that part has really starting to really dwindle. I started putting more to like self-loving activities, self-care activities. So I'll mostly just go outside and write now and talk to people, starting to do that a little bit more, you know, share my feelings, whatever.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:55

That's important, very important.

SPEAKER_04 1:41:57

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh, and eat a lot of sushi.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:00

Oh, sushi is what does it? I think that's a usual for a lot of the people on this podcast. Okay, uh, cyone cosplay.

SPEAKER_09 1:42:11

Hmm. So it used to be cosplay. Oh, I used to be, it used to be cosplay, but because of my imposter syndrome, cosplay is like a job now, and it's not comforting anymore because before I wasn't in school, but now I'm in school and I'm working, and now I have to hold a certain cosplay aesthetic because over the years I have progressed, and so now I feel like there's now artistic pressure on me, and it's like I didn't do this to be to have pressure on me, not have pressure on me, so I would say I went back to the basics and just listening to music. Um when it comes to self-care and mental health, I want something that doesn't add any pressure, doesn't add any expectations, and listening to music adds no expectations, no pressure. I would often just sit in my car. My car is my safe haven. Uh, a lot of times it is your your house, it's not my car, which is mine, is my safe haven. I'll just sit there, I'll have self-dates, I'll go get bakery, I'll listen to music, sometimes I'll take a nap, and that is my my safety blanket for me. It's my car. I've had my car since I was 23 and I'm 33. So God bless it. This car is not broken down on me, knock on wood, but my car has gotten me through a lot of issues where I couldn't escape, and I could now mentally and physically escape situations to not have to deal with it, uh, or to to protect my my my well-being. So I would say music and being in my car would would possibly be my self-care for myself. Cosplay at times when there's no expectations, when I don't let anyone know that I'm doing something, that would be my self-care. But when there's an expectation, when there is an upcoming event, and I know that I have to uphold a certain visual aesthetic that people are expecting, that's a lot of pressure. So, yeah, just back to the basics.

SPEAKER_11 1:44:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:42

Uh well, I'll just say uh from for I believe the majority of us, uh, if not all of us, it seems like the pattern is escapism. Is our way to manage our mental health, uh, whether it's physically huh?

SPEAKER_01 1:44:58

There's another word for it, it's meditation. Uh uh. Meditation. Everybody, everybody in some way, shape, or form is talking about a meditation, whether it be external based or internal based. Correct. That's all meditation is though. No, you you're right. You're right. You're right.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:14

I'm just saying, so certain people will call it escapism. Uh, because I was also gonna say myself, uh, mine used to be video games and driving, and driving became chauffeuring, so it lost its cluster. And then video games, certain ones be uh the the pressure of not pressure, well, no, no, no, pressure, the self-inflicted pressure of perfectionism, completionism, and wanting to get 100% on all the games led me to not want to play most of my games anymore. Um, so now honestly, I I was uh I was arguing with uh uh Dr. Rebecca Quinn several times, but I'm I'm starting to believe what she said is true, which is now my uh my mental health restra uh uh helpers, whatever I called it before, um, is either traveling to uh uh Georgia or Philadelphia. Because when I'm there, like for example, I'm in Philly right now, actually.

SPEAKER_07 1:46:17

Um Thank you, Lady Legacy, for shaking your head and agreeing.

SPEAKER_00 1:46:21

I agree too. Like it's all right, all right, all right. I notice the difference. I do. Like, I can tell the difference in your mood when you're on travel.

SPEAKER_07 1:46:30

You know what's funny? I literally was sitting over here joking with Shammy B and said your technique is anywhere that's not Maryland, but yet you choose to stay. Okay, I'm gonna go back on mute now.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:43

Anyway, I was going to say that being in these places uh enables me, and I've said it before, it's it's just it's being able to not have let me say it this way it's removing myself from an environment that I know I am not completely responsibility free. Because at any given time, even if I was to take a day off from doing anything, I know at any given time somebody can call me, somebody can text me, and there's no in the situation that I am in, there's no no. I somebody because if I don't do it, nobody else will. So I have to get up and I have to go and do it, no matter what it is. But when I'm outside of a one hour, even one hour, actually, it has to be two hours, two hours or more. If I'm outside of that, where I have to take a plane, there's a hope he's not here. Somebody else has to figure it out, no matter what the situation is. And it it gives a different level of rest. Like even if I'm working in those other places, like yesterday, I slept for hours. I was relaxed, I just slept. I didn't, I went out later, but like I was just sleeping and resting because my mind can't be at rest when I know, oh, at any given time, somebody's gonna walk through this door, somebody has to go to work, somebody has to be driven this place, somebody has to go to that place, and then this has to be done, and that bill has to be paid, and this needs to be done. So, like, all of these different things have to happen, and you know, the escapism is real, and that's why I said escapism. Meditation is cool because I meditate as well. I I I I said escapism because I like the idea of escapism, because it's even whether it's Lady Legacy's reading books and removing herself because she's in this realm or watching, you know, uh Korean dramas, um, or it's you know, Cadioladi uh uh excuse me, utilizing her trade-given skills of how she can remove herself from the situation, uh, using legal or non-legal uh uh paraphernalia, uh being able to get herself out of the situation, whether it's you know Sayone, I mean, literally taking a couple steps outside her door and getting inside her car, she doesn't have to go anywhere. Just being inside a car is an escape from the building that causes a lot of distresses and being in another environment, the doctor, you know, you know, whether it's video games or any other type of activity, just removing yourself from that mindset, that that location. I mean, come on. Shammy B literally said he takes his mind back to the room in San Diego. So um, not saying that's the solution to mental health, I'm more so saying he's on that balcony right there. He is.

SPEAKER_05 1:49:39

He's on this balcony. No, no, I'm on that balcony. So he's in his apartment.

SPEAKER_01 1:49:44

Yeah, she's on the balcony. I knew I knew San Diego for a lot more than that.

SPEAKER_03 1:49:48

True, true, true.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:57

So we're gonna say, but that's it's It's it's it's helpful. I see where it helps everybody. But um no, but we're we're definitely gonna continue this conversation at another time in another episode, uh, because mental health is very important. And, you know, I just wanted to give our panelists the opportunity to share um uh their their, not necessarily their experiences, but more so share a little bit about how you can maybe identify where some of these different, and I'm talking to the listeners now, where some of your different um mental health or just traumatic situations may have stemmed from. Um it seems like middle school seems to be a big one for a lot of people. I'm sure high school is big for a lot of people, um, or maybe just home life, maybe you were homeschooled. So everything was just in the household. Um, but it could be a variety of different things. Uh so being able to find a safe space or a place that you could be vulnerable and communicate, communicate with certain people um where you can be at your utmost relaxed, I think is also a very, very comforting and reliable thing to have. Uh, I uh I think Sayane, uh no, the doctor, Sayane mentioned it too, but the doctor specifically said, you know, being able to speak as freely and as comfortably as he has been on the podcast shows that, you know, being in the midst of friends, or and I always say, you know, I recently within the last like 10 years started saying, you know, friends of the family that you chose. And you know, you back at home, family may not be familying, but the friends of the family that you chose are safe places that you can communicate and share your vulnerabilities at any given moment. So it's definitely important to have that because some people don't got friends. Um, so you know, you if you know anybody who may be going through, you know, be friends, see what happens, see what happens. Uh, I think it's important. So I know you're about to say something.

SPEAKER_09 1:51:49

Um it was something I actually set in my mind, but um, it reminded me of something. There was one tactic that I did when I was younger, and um, it's actually a birthday gift that uh my boyfriend had gotten me. Um when I was younger, I had a music box that I would play consistently to soothe me. And I'm I was thinking about when did music start. And music was a soothing mechanism in elementary school. So some things you kind of will keep in the back of your head because you thought it's not important when you're adults. And it's it's funny when things trigger you in a good way. And so I was given this Sailor Moon music box for my birthday, and I used to tell my I told my boyfriend how I used to love playing this music box. It was like sing me, Mr. Piano Man, or whatever. So I just wanted to just play this for y'all.

SPEAKER_05 1:53:02

That's gonna be in my head all day. Literally, because even Rebecca Clinton knows I will sometimes break out in that song just because it's a very soothing song.

SPEAKER_09 1:53:13

So this is my soothing mechanism that uh my boyfriend remembered, and um it's just funny, like certain certain uh methods really do work, and as you're talking and as I'm just looking, and I think that's why Switch was like you had something to say. It was really more something I said in my head, and then you caught my expression, but yeah, music, music in in all forms. I think um Lady Lycases was saying to kind of take you away from the world that we are have now in music, all you can think about is just the melody that plays, and that takes me away, or is an escapism, like Suchi said. So, but yes, um just a little wanted to share with you all.

SPEAKER_02 1:53:58

All right, so let us wrap up this episode. Thank you all panelists for being here. Thank you for sharing your stories, your experiences, your uh tricks of the trade to you know help yourselves, you know, maybe bring yourself down from a 10, maybe till five, perhaps for that day. Um, hopefully that definitely helped the listeners. Uh, thank you, listeners, for listening. Uh, of course, if you want to reach out to us, uh be blurred spectrum podcasts on Instagram, Facebook, uh, YouTube, as well as uh sponsored by Umbral Star Kate, which can be uh found on YouTube, Instagram, Twitch, Facebook, Twitter. I know I forgot something. Um, Discord, probably Discord. Um, and then uh myself, Suchi no Shogun. You can find me on IG, uh, Suchi underscore no underscore shogun. Suchi is spelled T-S-U-C-H-I. Uh panelists, how can you be reached starting with Sayone cosplay?

SPEAKER_09 1:54:56

Yes, you can find me on Instagram at Sayone underscore cosplay. You can find me on Facebook at Sione Cosplay, and you can send me an email at SionePeriodcosplays at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 1:55:11

The Doctor. I'm Rod RT on Facebook Messenger. Lady Legacys.

SPEAKER_05 1:55:19

Uh AmazingRacing underscore on Instagram. Dr. Rebecca Quinn.

SPEAKER_07 1:55:29

Um, at Blur Creations on IG, at Blur Creations Store on Facebook, and at Blur Creations on TikTok. You can also find us since y'all won't hear this till May. We will be at Tide Water Comic Con May 20th to the 21st, where you can see all my lovely stress drawings. All right.

SPEAKER_02 1:55:50

Lord Jesus.

SPEAKER_04 1:55:55

Uh, you can find me on Instagram at Cadi O Lottie, and also on TikTok at Cotti Cam and Twitter, Cadiolati.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:07

Awesome, awesome.

SPEAKER_04 1:56:08

Well, you can do, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:11

Uh, and of course, if you have any uh topics, if you have any episodes we might want to do, or if you have any feedback from any of this, you can definitely hit up our mailbag, which is D Blur Spectrum at Armost Arcade.com. And as I always say, before we sign out, Sayonara.

SPEAKER_10 1:56:29

Peace. Bye.