SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome back to the Blurred Spectrum Podcast in 2021. We would like to thank you for rejoining us this uh brand new year. Uh we have uh all celebrated several holidays, had our time off to rethink and re uh uh get excited about the uh the concept of life, thinking that things will change and you know the sun will shine tomorrow, and it has not. And we are stressed out about it. We uh we're pissed, we're peeved, we're angry. Uh and uh yeah, yeah. So anywho, uh again, welcome back. We have an episode today. We're talking about mental health, we're talking about 2020 actually, and where where it took us. The and I mean we were talking through it kind of, but we still have stuff to you know unpack and leave behind. We're trying to burn it in the sands after we've left. Uh, so let's let's talk about it. So we have a couple panelists with us today, and they would like to you know get some stuff off their chest, and we will allow them the time to do so. Starting with myself, Suchino Shogun. We have Joe Tsg, we have the doctor. What's good? We have shampoo bracelets, we have uh Sione and Talonflame.

SPEAKER_09 1:22

Hello!

SPEAKER_04 1:24

Howdy, we have Ms. Skittles, and we have the Black McCoy.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Hello.

SPEAKER_04 1:31

So uh we're just gonna, you know, go around and talk to each of our panelists, kind of get a general idea of where their uh one one what their mental health uh area is, where where where do they currently lie in their mental health journey, as well as what what what did 2020 do to where they were before 2020? Were they were they're at peace? Were in the nirvana? Were they uh calm, cool, and collected, and by the end of 2020, they had no more hair? Maybe, I don't know. I mean, a couple of our panelists have long, luxurious hair all the way down. So uh we're going to uh start off with the doctor.

SPEAKER_05 2:18

All right, so my mental health journey um is interesting. I guess there's been a lot of ups and downs, you know, just in general throughout my life. You know, I think um, especially like getting introduced to therapy early on and really embracing therapy as a means of you know working on my mental health and you know, learning more effective coping has helped a lot with that. Um as far as 2020, though, I think it definitely threw a lot of things for loop. Um you know, I think the isolation really did take a toll on me, and that was something that really took some work to get through. Um, I think a lot of the stuff that we saw with, you know, um like the Black Lives Matter protests and um, you know, everything with well, really the multiple, like Brianna Taylor, George Floyd, amongst others, like definitely hit hard, and those are some things that really necessitated additional investment and coping for me. And I think it's it's somewhat of a it's harder than I thought in some ways. Um a lot of my work, you know, my professional work is in mental health research and especially in mental health and how that intersects with homophobia and racism and other things like that. But then when it comes to my personal life and me actually experiencing these things and you know, really having to deal with this, it's so much more difficult than you know, I think I initially imagined. So I'd say for where I am right now, it's a work in progress, but it's getting there, you know. And I think bit by bit, um, you know, even with everything that 2020 has kind of thrown at us, um, you know, I'm dealing with it better and better each day.

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Thank you, sir. Um, let's go over to um Joe TSG.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Um so with my I guess past history of mental health, um 2020 didn't really bother me. Granted, I'm I'm somewhat of a homebody anyway. Um, but having to go in the office every single day did kind of weigh on me a bit. Um there was always that thought of me getting the virus and then just having to deal with the effects of that. And at some point I kind of just didn't really care. Like I was just like, okay, if I get it, I get it. If I die, I die. Whatever. But that also kind of leaned a little bit more into my battle with suicide, my depression, anxiety. I mean, honestly, the list goes on. I've struggled with uh a few mental illnesses and I've found many ways to cope with them over time through podcasts, working out, um, hobbies, talking to people, and all of those things are relatively new for me. Um and um one of the I think the biggest like helps for me was going through therapy. Um yeah, that's that's kind of a little summarized version of things, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Uh we will swing over to uh Sionet and Talent Lane.

SPEAKER_12 5:35

Oh, that's nice. Um, so 2020 was a roller coaster ride of emotions and events, um, starting with I had to uh my mother and I we moved out of our house that we're in for about like 15 years, and this is during the beginning of COVID. And around that time my mom was you know, was had an injury, and um at that time I had to help kind of aid her while working and moving, which was mentally taxing. And um that, you know, I was working at a Costco pharmacy, then I worked at the University of Maryland, and now I'm starting Johns Hopkins. So it's like it's it's a I guess a blessing in a in the sense that I was able to have multiple jobs, being able to work multiple jobs in a in a time where people were really having like difficulty finding jobs of their own because they're getting laid off. Um, but it was very mentally taxing because I had to, you know, I I was either wasn't happy at one particular place, I was dealing with a lot of issues, scheduling, dealing with moving, you know, and then um trying to keep all that steady. So working did help me not stay home and just kind of settle with my mental state of just being exhausted. I just kind of was on autopilot, I would say. Um, but with coronavirus and my mom being at a certain age where I do have to be careful, it was very exhausting, just trying to be extra cautious, um, working in the hospital. You're having patients that, you know, and dealing with staff that might have coronavirus and then not trying to bring that home, you know. So, but everything towards the end, it just became, you know, practice. You with practice, you just kind of naturally start doing things, literally wiping everything down, you know, sanitizing, washing hands, things that you might already do, but it's like more so it's just everything is clean, you know, it's just kind of comes naturally. But um, when it came to isolation, I am a homebody by nature. I don't really like black people. So um it didn't bother me too much. You know, I was I was very happy to kind of like be isolated because I was, you know, I was not one to go to parties or anything like that. Um, I just kind of like to stay home and uh do my cosplay, which really helped me to get out of my head as well. Um, it gave me a place of solace. It really pushed me artistically and helped me to gain a certain skill sets that I would only really kind of execute during cons. So I would say that that's the pro of 2020. It can't really push me artistically and something that I will start to incorporate with years coming. But um, at the end of 2020, things kind of felt like I was stuck in limbo, but in the beginning of 2021, it starts to feel like I'm starting to slip out of that limbo and into something more positive. So it's like you kind of went through all the bullshit now to kind of start brand new, kind of like a reborn of uh rebirth of sort of some and sort, so some and so forth. So I would say a lot of cons, but there was like a means to an end. So I'll say that.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Um yeah, uh 2020 was a little rough. Um like even our relationship went through it trying to get here during COVID, the the airport. I caught COVID. That was a rough, rough two weeks. Like I almost I remember telling Chine, like, I love you no matter what happens. She didn't like that.

SPEAKER_12 9:17

I like that shit. I'm like, yeah, I got your back.

SPEAKER_11 9:24

I got it back. I didn't even let her do that. I let it be. I didn't even want to tell her how bad it was. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Like I it was hard just looking to the bathroom I was wending. Uh mental health was me. I love going to the gym. Power lifting didn't have that. So it's like it's it's weird when you don't have your your little ways to blow off steam, you don't have access to them. That can weigh heavy on you. Um my job during the Black Lives Matter, that whole situation, my discovering my um my boss is like more than racist and open with it. That was I am in the South, so yeah, yeah, but that's too improfessional. And then um, they weren't really doing too well with how they handled COVID. Our masks weren't up to ultra standards, they weren't fitted, they didn't do a smell test. That's how you know that you're protected, they didn't do that, so there was a lot going on reasons why I caught COVID. So it was that was pretty rough. Yeah, but 2020, I'm happy it's gone. Yeah, that's the way you can say it.

SPEAKER_04 10:38

Okay. Um, I guess I'll go now. Uh so yeah, my uh 2020. Um, I think although I remember everything, I have a very good memory. I tried my best to forget every day that had already passed. Um, mainly because um I still had the ability. I I work in IT, I work in technology and cybersecurity. So I still had a job. I still had the ability to go to work. Um, I was, you know, blessed enough to, at the beginning of the uh pandemic, for them to uh my job to take the initiative and say, okay, everybody can work remote. And I was able to work from home during the beginning of it and you know, still be able to receive some level of a check. And then of course I had to eventually go back into the office and you know, you know, set some things back together. And I think the for that I'm happy for 2020 because I was able to see that, you know, uh there is a way to still be able to move and maneuver, even though they were, you know, everybody was being quarantined. But then on the downside, there were a lot of there are a lot of things for me that I wanted to do at the beginning. Like 2020 was supposed to be a very dynamite year for this, you know, logo behind me, Umbral Starcade, my personal business. And um I think every single day, week, and month as the 2020 went on, I it it set in more and more that I'm not gonna be able to do anything. Um cons being canceled, events that were previously scheduled. Um I I think by the time I got to June, I was I was I didn't show it on my face and I didn't show it in my voice, but I was I was really down. Uh, because it's like you work very hard to create something, you work very hard to get to a point where you believe your dream is going to turn into a reality, and it started to, and it's like somebody just shut off the lights, and there's nothing you can do, and it's not even like there's no way to go around it because it's it's everybody's in the same place. It's not like somebody stood in front of you and said you can you can't do what you want to do. It's everybody's in the same place, everybody has to be home, nobody can um do certain things, and my business has to do with people interacting, people you know being in front of one another less than six feet. Uh so you can imagine don't nobody want to do that in 2020. Uh so uh I I luckily, uh I hate to say this, but luckily, unlike Talonflame, gyms were not my uh way of uh releasing my stress. I don't fuck with gyms. Um can tell you from personal experience, I don't fuck with gyms, I don't like gyms, I don't like going to gyms. Gyms can go fuck themselves, and it's not even because of all the people, I just don't like doing it. I I can will myself to be fit, damn it.

SPEAKER_09 13:38

Screw that shit.

SPEAKER_04 13:39

Um but uh my ways of uh coping or my ways of releasing some type of stress is of course gaming, um, watching anime, and for the most part, I still had that. But then, of course, you know, certain studios started closing, certain favorite animes got delayed several times. So things started to slow down, and it got to the point where people were getting really scared they wouldn't be able to do the normal things that allow them to cope, as Talonflame said, as um uh Joe TSG said, and as the doctor said, it's just you know, the things that we wanted to do, the things that we do on the regular that helped us get through things, interacting with people, participating in different types of events, going to the gym. We were losing, sorry, conventions, as uh Sione said. We were losing the things that allowed us to release the pent-up stress. Um, I think as African Americans, as Africans, as Caribbeans, as people of color, uh, as you know, minorities, if you want to go that far, um we try our best to we would there are already stresses on our lives that have zero to do with our professional, academic, and home lives. There are just natural stresses that we go through and we can't control. And then there's the stuff that everybody deals with family life, academic life, professional life, things like that. So, you know, the reason why we have parties and enter go out and hang out with one another and you know do all these different activities is to release that stress. And in my personal opinion, at the beginning of 2020, everybody was doing really, really well. They were staying home to the best of their abilities, they were trying their best to stay inside, stay away from people. And then because there are so many and and uh well, not yes, there's certain parts of the south that didn't believe what's going on, and I I I I can't speak for them. I'm trying my best to, but I can't speak. But um okay, not all, but the major not the majority, most, half, let's go half, half of everybody tried their best to stay home and you know be quarantined and you know, try to listen to directions. So this thing that was slowly making its way, even though it was already here, but based off of the news, slowly making its way into the US, we could avoid, destroy, and go on with our lives. And I based off of what was reported, as you know, uh Talent Flam said, certain people weren't doing anything. They were continuing with the lives as if nothing was happening. They were still traveling from state to state, uh, they were still moving in and out of different places. And I think um one of the big stressors for me is realizing or or yeah, realizing that I'm inside my house. I was in my inside my house for the first three months of the pen, four, five, four months of the pandemic, didn't go out. I think the most I went out was to go to Costco. Mask, I had a mask, I had a scarf, I had a hat, and a jacket. It was hot. It was in the middle of summer, but I was I didn't know what to do really, but to wear a mask. And I was like, let me just put on extra layers just in case. Um and when it came. You can only do what you what you think you know how to do because every everybody's saying different things, you don't know exactly what the truth is, especially at that time. And I think what really stressed me out was at that point, finding out that as Talonflame said, the people in Florida, the people in Georgia, the people in um southern states weren't doing anything. Like to the point where they didn't, their their congressmen and their governors and their senators and their mayors are saying, oh, it doesn't exist. We we we didn't get the memo. And they're still allowing their their um the people in their states to travel to the northern, I don't say the northern states, but travel uh to other states in the country, potentially spreading the virus faster than it was would have normally spread um if everybody was just to stay still. And it was kind of like it's we're we're fighting a losing battle because I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and you're not doing what you're supposed to do, and I don't, I can't ask you what you've been doing, then I'm just a sitting duck. It's kind of like what Joe TSG was saying. Well, if I get it, I get it. I mean, I ain't want to die, but if I get it, I get it. And there's really nothing I can do about it because I don't the my mask protects you, but if you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, even with with or without the mask, then it defeats the purpose, in my opinion. So those are my stresses. Um I I've seen it many times. I still believe uh uh that we're in 2021, but these memes uh and these uh posts about it being as Talonflame said, December, I see it's December 41st, 2020. Um every single day as we move on, it's slowly starting to set in that that is actually what is going on. And um, I don't like it. So that's my that's my two. So uh I will pass it over to the uh Black McCoy.

SPEAKER_06 18:55

Um well, uh to not to be intentionally very uh melodramatic about the matter. I think that for me, I will say that 2020 was extremely uh vicious as well as parasitic in a numer in a number of ways, excuse me. Um I lost a lot of things in 2020, especially a lot of things that contributed to my overall mental health and moments. Um and the access to many of those things was um like access to the capacity to do like my cosplay, go to the gym as frequently as I um frequently as I care to diet appropriately, um, you know, be comfortable in a number of different ways that at the very least, you know, were able were you know sustainable ways to continue to commit myself to a a function or some semblance of what it meant to be, you know, healthy or well or um stable in some manner of speaking, right? Um and I will say that as far as my mental health goes for 2020, it was complete shit. Like it was terrible. Um a lot of different things about my life were tested in ways that I predicted because I know myself pretty well. Um and I am really hyper aware of what it means for me to have to deal with things as well as you know trying to, you know, balance what it means to have to, you know, try and continue to work, as well as um dealing with finding new work and you know trying to live a sustainable life. Um and I don't know, I I I I feel like I'm kind of rambling, but when I think about 2020 overall, it's just that there is no such thing, at least to me, as a you know, a healthy life in 2020 unless you legitimately are like rich and have money or have like uh a sustainable homestead that doesn't have any sort of like you know real risks in living there. Like uh if you it's one of those it was one of those times where I noticed like a lot of different disparities that not only became immediately applicable, but became much more socially relevant or you know, I became much more hyper-aware of them. Um and so I mean it I learned a lot about myself in find trying to be um unnervingly optimistic as well as you know kind of you know looking for a silver lining in some way, shape, or form. Um, but that is in all honesty a a disingenuous effort because if I'm being extremely, you know honest about what 2020 did for me, it was next to nothing. Like if I really, really have to like pin down anything. It's an unnervingly desperate effort to seem like I'm okay overall. But the reality is I'm not. And I think it's okay to not be okay. But I also think it's kind of worse to have to find oneself in a position to feign or you know really claw at the notion of being okay when it comes to their personhood. Um but um yeah, that's my 2020 summary. It was trash, it's always gonna be trash, and I don't think that there's anything that anyone can do to make me think that 2020 was trash was like fully trash, other than like for anyone who didn't have the means or the you know the financial capacity or the even situational one to be able to, you know, not have to worry about the number of things so many people had to concern themselves with during 2020. Like so many people had to worry about what it meant for them to continue to have a job or whether or not they'd have a home after all this said and done, how long until the next ball truly drops, where they are so unstable and so at vulnerable to not just you know COVID, but the conditions of our government, the conditions of the state, and the incompetence and incapacity to actually deal with certain you know issues that concern the American people, as well as you know, concerns that truly affect those, you know, basically beneath the one percent. Like it doesn't make sense to me that we went through this entire situation and for some reason Tesla made tons of money and uh you know discovering all that people made more money people who were already exorbitantly wealthy made more money during this time frame and you know, during this presidency and this overall administration than the people who actually needed to, the people who actually you know needed to survive, they needed to have you know uh an actual stake or claim to allow the resources that people either say or taken advantage of or you know they think people take for granted. Like if anything, this is the time where we noticed that our government is insufficient, um, so is our so is this administration is at its most, some of its most insufficient, you know, functionality, as well as the fact that there is a very strong, not simply ideological but practical dissonance between what it means for a lot of our society to function with positive, you know, understandings, positive energy, and that kind of you know the m a lot of the more problematic, you know, toxic positivity that can come along or that has been, you know, pushed and purported through a lot of this um, a lot of that year and a lot of the you know, just kind of conditions of the time that we're dealing with. And how we really need to reconfigure how we think about a lot of these things and how we, you know, really help people function and be so we can continue to try and avoid not just conversations like we're having, but situations that we've been trying to deal with.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

Alright. Um, let's pass it over to uh Ms. Kittle.

SPEAKER_10 25:29

So um uh mental health, well, before be even before 2020, my mental health has always been like a struggle throughout my life. It wasn't until like recent years that I started to open up about uh my struggles with mental health, like talking to people and and um like finding resources to to cope with it myself. Um much like Joe Tsg, like books and and podcasts and uh meditating, things, things like that is how I was coping. Um so 2020, uh all of those those ways that I would normally um try to use as coping mechanisms, they just they just they didn't work. They didn't work um with Black Lives Matter and the whole COVID situation, COVID, whoo, COVID, as somebody who is um a germaphobe, COVID, uh when I say the idea of like catching an invisible uh um disease that's like uh not disease, but you know, virus that's like killing people, like killing them, uh it just was like mind-boggling to me because it's like, oh my god, like how how do how do I protect myself? Because literally uh the media or or doctors or whoever um don't know what this is, uh don't don't know how to tell people, you know, how to better protect themselves, especially in the beginning. It was like, oh, like, you know, you could spray some Lysol on it and be good. Like so, so um in the in the beginning, um as far as mental health goes, like I like even now still, even currently, I'm I still don't go out, like I can count on my one hand how many times I went out socially in 2020. Um, besides like the grocery store, like I'm still getting stuff like delivered as far as like food or you know, I don't go anywhere. Um simply because of that uh anxiety that it gives me. Um and then you know the Black Lives Matter movement just um it sent me over the edge. It it sent me over the edge. Um so much so that uh I have I have recently had my well not recently, I've always had reservations about talking about my feelings, talking about um depression and anxiety and and how it makes me feel and and just coping with it as a whole. So um so I actually started therapy in 2020. Um and it's probably the best best decision that I made in 2020. Um because just having somebody to to talk to uh finally about everything, not just not just Black Lives Matter and COVID, but everything emotionally that have bottled up for uh for many years. Um and only recently like using I don't like to say using, but only recently reaching out to friends or family and just talking to them about things that I could probably have always been able to talk to them about, but um just been scared to, you know, I'm just I just feel like in in the black community as a whole, when you start talking about mental health, there's like stigmas there. Like, you know, like black, black, black people don't have these issues, like black people don't get depressed or you know, have anxiety or or suicidal thoughts, and and that's completely false information. Um, but I guess you know, society just has painted us, you know, from all the way back to slavery, like we just strong, we built strong, we supposed to be strong. Um, and and anything other than a smile on your face is like weakness or something. Um but again, completely false. So so yeah, I I have always been trying to put on that, you know, that smile, that face, or or or just push my issues aside to help other people deal with their their own stuff. Um and 2020 definitely um definitely was a slap in the face because it was like, bitch, you not good. You not good, you ain't been good. So it's time to take some responsibility for your own mental health and and go and see because I tell things all the time, you need professional help, dog. Like, like I'm trying to help you, but some of the situations you're telling me about, I literally don't have an answer for. So it's something deeper to you. Um so I had to I had to take a look at myself um and and be like, ma'am, you you need to take your own advice. Um that I'm an introvert and I'm a homebody as well. Um, and in the beginning, uh when I was teleworking full time, at first I was like, hell yeah, like this is about to be lit, like I'm about to do, and I did, I did in the first uh month and a half. I did I did all the cosplay things. Uh I like I was super productive at work. I was at home chilling in my PJs, uh sipping my tea, chilling, like happy as fuck. And then after a while, the the whole the whole isolation as human beings, you know, everybody wants to be loved. They they want to be feel connected to something or somebody. So that is what what started to um really take a toll on my um my motivation and and and just feeling um feeling like I had a purpose. So so yeah, just for a while, like I want to say really heavy, like June, July, August, just deep seated depression. Um like deeply rooted, like everything just hit me all at once. And it was just like like like I actually I actually need people. Like I I really miss interacting with my friends. I really miss traveling, I really miss my family. Like I miss doing all of these things that in the beginning I was like, I don't need like I don't I ain't worried about it, I don't care. Like this, you know, we're gonna take a little everybody gonna take a little break, and then we'll be back in the world. And it didn't happen that way. So um, so yeah, quickly I realized like you need you need help, you need to talk to somebody about everything that you're feeling and thinking. Um, and you know, opening up to to friends, to my therapists, and even my family, um, about a lot of things. It it definitely took a a whole lot of weight off of my shoulders and um in a in a in a very fucked up year. Um that that's kind of the silver lining for me. Um mostly realizing that there are resources out there and that I actually need to use them and um you know just trying to do everything by yourself. You don't have to do everything by yourself. So um, so that was an important like wake-up call for me as far as 2020 goes. But it was rough, it was definitely a rough year. Um multiple things happened to me personally that I did not expect. Um and because I used my resources, I made it through to December 4 40. What what wait what day is it of December 21st?

SPEAKER_09 34:40

December 41st, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 34:43

December 4 41st, 2021. Yes. So I've made it um to today, um simply because I I chose not to keep it in because I mean honestly, uh if I had been trying to work it out the way I have been working it out prior to 2020, um I honestly I might not be here right now. And that's real good.

SPEAKER_04 35:18

Thank you, mademoiselle. Uh now we will shift it over to shampoo bracelets, Damo, Shammy B.

SPEAKER_11 35:28

He said, I'm going first this time. Um it almost feels like you're you you've been in an escape room. You feel like you've solved all the puzzles, but apparently there's one more fuck puzzle that you need to solve just to get out of this year. Um, so 2020 for me started off shitty before the lockdown. Um so that kind of started my depression in overdrive. Mind you, I've been dealing with depression myself since middle school. Um I've gone to different therapists throughout, you know, my lifetime. Um, one particular therapist had told me one time that I compartmentalize everything and that one day everything's just gonna, you know, bust out the boxes and I'm gonna have to deal with it. Well, 2020 kind of kicked that into overdrive. It was already starting, but it just kicked it into overdrive. Um, I will say being in isolation with children on a consistent basis can make you completely lose your shit.

SPEAKER_04 36:34

Several times a day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 36:35

Yes. On top of trying to do virtual learning, it's almost like, like everyone has said, all the outlets that you would use to, you know, re-get yourself together, regroup, like those were dead. Like, even if it was something in the house, it was dead because I didn't have that time to separate to myself. Like it was almost like I had to go hide in the closet to just breathe and get five minutes. Um, I actually had an anxiety attack like a couple weeks before my birthday. That was fun. Um, yeah, I eventually started talking to a therapist again, but I mean that that works kind of, but that's not really my outlet for how I get through stuff. Um towards the end of 2020, um, it was like a rolling depression almost. Some days I'm okay, some days it's just like, eh, can today be over? Or I just want to lay in the bed all day. So mine was kind of like on and off. Some weeks I'll be fine, and then other weeks it'll be like uh almost like a feeling of powerlessness if we were like doing something or discussing something, and I just felt like it's not in my control, and I can't fix it because I don't have the power to fix it. And anybody that knows me knows me. I'm a control freak, so if I can't fix it, it drives me insane to the utmost degree. Um starting 2021 is looking better. Um, we we've put some moves in place. Um, and I'm just trying to, you know, work out my own coping mechanisms. It still has the up and down depression, but we'll I'm working through it.

SPEAKER_07 38:24

Um, so I'm well be. Yeah, I'm gonna apologize, everybody.

SPEAKER_04 38:31

Take your time, man. Take your time.

SPEAKER_07 38:32

No, no, it's it's not gonna take long. Um, 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Uh I know that sounds fucking crazy, but but it was like I guess everything before that I actually I'll go further. That a lot of my years alive have been rough. And the four to five years leading up to 2020 was some of the roughest that I've ever gone through. So when 2020 came around, it was like and uh you know, disease, and you know, like fucking people died flat last night, gosh killer, like shout out to earlier. So uh it was it was a crazy, as crazy of a year as it was, a lot of the turmoil that was going on actually led to me being able to clear some things up in terms of my personal life and actually get myself in a better position for this year. So it was like 2020 was like, so to speak, the anime montage buildup training, and then this year is gonna be a determinant for me. So it was like this is gonna be the final bag. So it was as crazy as me to like change, I changed the job from a job that would have guaranteed me COVID to a job that won't guarantee me COVID but has a very high chance. But at the same time, that job would also kill these 24 falls from stuff. So it's it's kind of like an if you die, you die type thing. My insurance is good enough now. So it's um so it's kind of like I can't, yeah. So it's kind of like everybody is everybody is taken care of even in that circumstance. I do have a stipulation with Dominique here that if I am more than 20 to more than 15 feet in the air, I can't be on the phone with her.

SPEAKER_11 40:25

So um it's like this week and tell me he was 20 feet in the air and I got an office.

SPEAKER_07 40:31

Yeah, she does it, it happens a lot. So there's a lot of times I just don't call. Um I just don't call. I hope she doesn't have to get a phone call. So it 2020 is rough of a year as it was, and like I say, even with like I like everybody else here, you know, I think everybody in general, I dealt with mental health for a very long time as well. And thankfully, um some time spent overseas taught me a coping mechanism that kind of takes away my sleep, but um it it ultimately leads led leads me to a clear mind in the long run. And that is just I enjoy solitude more than anything in the world. And um, so even with 2020 was a year where it was like I was able to give everybody the excuse of, ah, people are dying if they're too close. And then I just gave all my social ability to my family. So then, you know, when they go to sleep, I'll stay up for a couple more hours, get my mind together for the next day, you know, and then sleep for four, wake up and go right back to the next day, like nothing ever changed. So it was um, so I I have, I had to give up a lot of, though, I had to give up a lot of coping mechanisms up until this point. Like, like I used to be like Joe and um the Black McCoy. I was big into the gym. Um, video games was another thing, anime, and since 2020 kind of destroyed pretty much all of that. Um it was kind of a thing of well, I had to resort to an old friend. And uh solitude was just that. So as bad as 2020 is, as bad as 2020 was, and you know, as crazy as 2021 looks like it's gonna be, or dub dub 21, uh, I don't, I don't, it's kind of like you'll make it through, you know, you kind of make it through as time goes on. I am hopeful, but it the way it's looking, it was this year might be a little better, so I'm hoping for that. But yeah, 2020 was um crazy, but uh possible, so to speak. So yeah.

SPEAKER_12 42:41

Um, I wanted to add something.

SPEAKER_03 42:44

Please.

SPEAKER_12 42:47

Um for couples, if couples can survive 2020, can survive you know, it's a whole like it's a whole entire different type of spirituality. Like I mean, because like you know, no one likes a long-term, you know, a long distance relationship. You know what I'm saying? So it really puts, at least for us, like and I've been in a long-distance relationship prior to this relationship, and you can really tell the differences on when someone actually loves you, cares about you, and not just that, because you can just have love, but it's more about the connection. If you don't have a connection on a friend type basis, like damn your best friend type basis, or you know what I'm saying? That's so fucking it's only going to give you what so much to you. We kind of want to get any data, the point you can do, the whole thing, the all the same data. What do you have? You know what I'm saying? So you And it is just, you know, we we talk on the phone every single day. Um, you know, and we've I I would say out of all the relationships that I've ever been in, this is the cool the the closest damn near interlock that I've ever been with anyone. You're welcome. Not trying to be mooshy, nothing, you know what I'm saying? But it's like, you know, it pushes you. So 2020 was trash year, you know, for a lot of things that you know, we weren't able to see each other. We see each other every once every couple of months. You know, some people said they can't even fathom doing that. But when you have someone that you have that connection, you have that vibe, it's kind of like a really good best friend. How you know you can see them once every couple of months, or once, you know, once every couple of years, and you come back and it just clicks, you know. And for relationships, I think that's why it was either 2020 was a crash or burn for a lot. A lot of people, they went to work to get away from that person. You know what I'm saying? They went to school to get away from that person, even with family. You what you left the house as a refuge. So that and then you would before you walked into the house, you sat in your car and be like, fuck. Okay, now we're about to go back in.

SPEAKER_07 45:17

But I I have definitely been in previous relationships, and I guess and uh piggyback off what uh Zanae just said, it was we started out like that.

SPEAKER_04 45:27

I love the fact that they were gonna say that at the same time. Oh, that was horrible.

SPEAKER_12 45:31

The twins, it's the twins look like each other. That's how you know they're like soulmates. They start to merge.

SPEAKER_07 45:39

It's actually frightening. I was like, I didn't say nothing, but I was thinking to myself, God, I hope she'll lock the door. She's funny, y'all. It really is scary.

SPEAKER_11 46:04

So he was still in the military. So he was over in California, and I was in Virginia at school. So like either he would drive cross country, I would take a plane to go to California.

SPEAKER_04 46:16

In one trip.

SPEAKER_11 46:18

That's three, that's like a three-day, that's a three-day trip, isn't it?

SPEAKER_12 46:21

I didn't do it a day and a half.

SPEAKER_04 46:22

He did it a day and a half.

SPEAKER_12 46:24

Okay, so obviously we're speeding under the outside of speeding.

SPEAKER_07 46:31

What you do is you do 10 hours of drive, one hour asleep. At least that 10 hour drive, one hour sleep, 10 hour drive, one hour sleep, 10 hour drive, one hour sleep. How do you mean? You I mean you stop eating a bit of stop the road. That's how you do it. But it's time to road. But I I yeah, like I did that three times. I did that three times. I would do it to Maryland or to Florida, and then I would do it back to California every time. That's love. That is love.

SPEAKER_12 47:05

That's love. It ain't about the sex because that's love right there.

SPEAKER_09 47:09

Like, hell no, I guess that's that drive.

SPEAKER_12 47:13

But yeah, so I mean, yeah, um, yeah, I really, I really feel for couples who um a lot there was a lot of divorces in 2020. Oh, a lot of abuse, you know, um, because they were just stuck in the house. And, you know, you who wants to be stuck with like it's like you're sleeping with the enemy, so to speak. You know what I'm saying? And due to whichever type of bond that kept you there, it could be financial, it could be just a partnership. Now you're stuck, you know, you didn't have like an escape to get out. You know, now you because you are gonna put the other person in harm's way due to COVID, or due to the lockdowns, you literally couldn't even go out. Because if you weren't an essential worker or had that pass that said, I work at this location, I can be on the street, which my governor did, you know, Maryland, mine didn't. Your ass could get locked up or fined heavily. So you really had to stay home. Um, so no find a floor. Yeah, yeah. Well, Florida's on another fucking level of ridiculousness. But um, but with that being said, you know, with that being said, and to kind of piggyback off of what Mark was saying, my 2020 was in 2013. You know what I'm saying? And I went through a hellish relationship, um, you know, and and and I've been struggling with depression since I was in middle school, um, like Domino said, and and my depression is like functional. It's it's always looming, always glooming, but I can go long periods of time where the the glass, the jug just periodically fills up and then it just spills over, you know, and then it refills again. So I've just learned to deal. I don't know if it obviously that's not it's not dealing with your depression, it's knowing how to manage it well enough that no one knows you're depressed. And that's what I that's a skill of mine. Very sick skill. That's called high functioning. It is high functioning, baby. How function like a motherfucker. People think that I'm very um, I guess like uh, what is it? I'm not I'm like an introvert, extrovert, like extrovert, introvert, you know, where I know how to be extrovert if need be, but I don't want to fucking talk to nobody. I just want to be alone to myself, but it's just a coping mechanism. And I feel like all black people need therapy because just being black is taxing as fuck dealing with what we have to deal with, yeah, you know, getting up and and the thoughts that are looming in our minds. So, you know, that's something that is actually a goal of mine for 2021 because there's so much unpacking that each black individual has, you know, your own Black experience, dealing with insecurities, dealing with your family and you know, and dealing with how you see yourself now or where you think you should be. There's just so much um unpacking that we have to do. And um, I feel like every single black person in the world needs therapy uh from a very great therapist that won't undermine us, a black therapist if if per se, you know, um, because who could listen and understand us but a black therapist?

SPEAKER_09 50:21

Right.

SPEAKER_12 50:22

You know, so but yeah, that's just wanted to add that in.

SPEAKER_09 50:27

Great.

SPEAKER_12 50:29

Oh, okay. As long as you're good.

SPEAKER_11 50:31

It's a good therapist or a I feel like talking to a person of the same sex um sometimes helps. Um she's not she's uh Latino, Latina person of color though.

SPEAKER_12 50:48

You know what I'm saying? Like a person of color, like you've gotta be rocking with struggles with me. You feel me?

SPEAKER_04 50:55

Just say it, just say it.

SPEAKER_12 50:57

You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04 50:58

Like, my party Sammy BR.

SPEAKER_09 51:06

Let's go ahead and say it.

SPEAKER_12 51:09

You know, you gotta have some spices of melanin. You know what I'm saying? Give me some garlic, give me some garlic, some Italian.

SPEAKER_11 51:16

Um jella, you know, you gotta do something. I need you to understand my struggle and not look at what do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_10 51:25

Yeah, you can't give me mayo and a lack of seasoning. Like, I definitely agree with that because um one of so one of my biggest concerns with with reaching out to a therapist is is spilling my whole deepest, darkest secrets to somebody who doesn't understand or or even get what I'm going through. Like I'm I'm not trying to be just you know, client number, blah blah blah. Like, I need somebody who who empathizes and sympathizes with what I what I tell them and and can give me feedback based off of their own experiences, um, as well as you know, their actual degree or knowledge or or whatever. Um and and my therapist is a black woman. Um and I'm glad I went that way. Because um initially I was just looking for a therapist. Um, and then I came across her and and she's amazing and she she gets it. And then and there are times where she can talk to me, even though I, you know, I'll be like, oh, like like that's I feel like maybe that might be unprofessional, but I feel like we have that bond where it's like from black woman to black woman tip, you tripping. Like, so I really like having that conversation with her because it's like talking to my aunt or my grandma or my mom or you know, another black woman. So I think it's really when when people look for a therapist, you need to find somebody that you can connect with. Um, like don't just be out here, like if you get a consultation, like just don't sign up for anybody. Like go talk to two talk to two, three therapists before you decide or choose, you know, who you want to go with. Um but for me, it's always been important that I feel the connection with that person because I have I have tried before when I was in college to to seek out therapy. Um and um in the in the one therapist I did talk to for like a month. Actually, no, it was probably less than that, a week. She was a white woman. And I just and I just wasn't feeling it. Like I wasn't feeling it, I wasn't feeling her. I didn't I just she didn't understand, like, and I was just like, no, therapy's not for me. Um, so I you know, threw that shit out the window for many, many years. And then 2020 came and it was like, cycle back, bro.

SPEAKER_08 54:08

Cycle back.

SPEAKER_04 54:11

Yeah, that is um, that is something huge in the uh people of color or African-American community, the African community, um, about how you know therapy or mental health isn't a topic that A should be talked about or B is a sign of weakness, to be completely honest. Um it is uh for me because I can only speak for myself, um, I have I been I don't believe I've been through therapy, at least not an actual professional therapy session. And there is, as I said before, there is a there's a certain stigma with uh African individuals, specifically African men, about the sign of weakness, about going to a therapy session. So um the alternative, not really the alternative, the only thing you can use is um uh church. Um and I always recall this, uh, and those who know me know I always love recanting Living Single. Um, but I always uh every time I think about mental health, I always recall a scene from Living Single where Khadijah has to go to um therapy. Her mother asks her to go, and when the therapist uh who's played by Jasmine Guy is you know asking her, you know, well, why don't you want to be in therapy? She was like, No, I don't, I'm I'm not one of the people who need therapy. I'm not one of these rich people with money to burn. Um normally what I do, I just go to church, get me a little Jesus, and then everything's gonna be okay. And that that line, when I remember when I first saw it, which was years ago when I was uh a kid, it it's not like I was steered by that, because the purpose of the episode was to explain that that is not the only way that you can seek some type of help. And I understood that. But when she said it, I was like, why do I feel like she's saying what I'm thinking? And it's because that's not necessarily what's instilled in me, but it's what the my general surroundings have explained to me. Like you either figure it out on your own, you talk to your friends and family, or you go to church, and Jesus is supposed to solve all of your problems. All our problems, all of them, every single one, I'll do it too. Twinsy. So it's it's it's he'd be like, pray on it, pray on it, right there.

SPEAKER_10 56:37

It's real quick.

SPEAKER_04 56:38

Oh, he doing praying.

SPEAKER_09 56:40

Oh, he does.

SPEAKER_04 56:42

Yeah, remember if he don't do it, get the climb back and and that, and that that thought process, like the uh the the fact that people find that that song so funny, memeable at times, is is the epicenter of that is the fact that that is what we have been trained and instilled to believe. That if he won't do it, it well, I'm not going to church right now. Um it won't get done. And that's that that that thought process is because why? Is it because we've been you know taught that mental, that's just therapy in general is not for black people, it's not for people of color, it's not for men or black men specifically. Um what started this process? Is it because we uh we were you know taught that uh or we were uh manipulated into believing that we don't need that type of stress relievers, that type of mental help, that type of um uh the somebody to stop us from walking off the ledge? Is that why uh we've been kind of conditioned to believe that that's not what's supposed to be for us? Um I don't know. Does anybody have any thought process on that?

SPEAKER_08 58:01

Um, you know.

SPEAKER_12 58:02

I can I can answer like on a I'm sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 58:08

Oh, I mean, I was just gonna say I feel like historically a lot of it does come down to you know what was mentioned earlier with um this idea of black people being strong, you know, and I'm like, oh, black people are this physically strong race to the point where even like today, what is it? I think a study came out that a third of med students don't believe we feel pain in the same way. You know, so that's gonna affect a lot of you know what our expectations are, what expectations are based on what we need as far as therapy or you know, our ability to tough it out and whatnot. You know, I think with in the context of religion, the tricky thing is so religion can sometimes your church can be a really important support network in a lot of cases. A lot of it comes down to if you feel like you can be sincerely vulnerable in that setting. I know for me, and coming from a very religious family, um you know, grand great-grandfather was a pastor, love and the deaf, but you know, the church is you know it's an environment where vulnerability was seen as a lack of faith. And you know, oh well, you don't have faith that things will get better, you know, you need to put more faith into it. So if you have this vulnerability, then you know that's something you're lacking faith, and that's something that's wrong with you. And that's where you know, kind of how I knew I can't go there for real counseling, or you know, I this is not a place that's going to facilitate my mental health. And it's not because it's like I know I'm someone, I'm sure many other people, you know, I struggle with being vulnerable in an open and honest way. And in part, I feel guilty a lot of the times for the feelings I do have or when I do feel weakness, um, especially with the pandemic, where I mean, I've honestly had a more privileged life than most in 2020, where I got to work from home. You know, I was able to maintain a good income. Um, I have you know a really loving partner who's been a really good support through this. So I always feel like I don't deserve to feel as bad as I feel. You know, and I shouldn't be able, you know, I don't have a valid reason to feel you know depressed or to have deep insecurities or to feel like a failure or weak, but or to feel alone for that matter. Like, no, I have all these supports, I shouldn't feel as alone as I often do. And you know, I think finding a place to be vulnerable or to be able to, you know, really be open about those vulnerabilities is really critical to you know your care. And I think for me, that's probably the biggest thing I've struggled with. And I still don't, you know, even though I'm kind of getting you know working through it bit by bit, I still don't have a completely effective answer for that in my own life. But um, yeah, that's I think that's a really important consideration when you're thinking about you know, how do we, as black people, find the care that we need.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:09

Well, I think with black people, you figure a lot like back before like our great grandparents, they're used to keeping secrets. So everything stayed in the family. Yeah, so the minute you go tell somebody outside of the family, that starts a whole uproar.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:26

So you being depressed, it was more like keep that stuff to yourself, stand up straight, and act like nothing's wrong. So I think it's been years of just our generations pushing it off and acting like there's nothing wrong with you. Like you said, we're just gonna go to church. And trying to shove that pill down your throat, and it's like that's not healthy. Um even with my mom, like as I talk to her about my depression, it's always, well, why do you feel like this? You have you know a beautiful family, your kids are this, and it has nothing to do with that. My personal feelings.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:58

Right.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:58

So I think between that years of you know, other their generation or their parents' generation telling them to keep yourself composed, right? Um, they don't know how to respond to our generation and the mental health struggles that we need.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

The black one, you were about to say something?

SPEAKER_06 1:02:17

Yeah, so there are three things because um Delma started talking and started just added one more thing. So it's okay because they're they're they they're intertwined in a way. So I think that's really important to have to recognize that that this this kind of this kind of intergenerational traumatic notion that things have to be have to be kept to oneself or things have to stay in a certain set of kind of context, or things have to be compartmentalized in a way that you they don't somehow intermingle even though there's this very underlying well not even is this very overt, obvious situation which all these things interconnect one way or another, regardless of whether people like them to or want them to or not, or even you know, take the time to recognize it. But um the fact that I think that's one of the more like horrifically toxic things that we as a community um have done is push this idea that there are things that don't need to be talked about, that's no one's business, or that you need to keep to yourself or X, Y, and Z, because it only continues to perpetuate this idea that we need to continue to repress and suppress certain things about ourselves and certain things that we're going through for the comfort of other people. And we I can I think that we all can agree that to some extent being black is not something that we can suppress for the comfort of other people. Um, if anything, it's continued to be weaponized against us in a numerous in actually in an unspecified amount of ways that it overall becomes extremely daunting to have to deal with. And to even normalize the idea that the ways in which we deal with those things or nor the way in which we deal with those things on a day-to-day basis, or that you know, we continue to adopt them and just say, oh, well, you know, that's just the way it is, is not okay, in my personal opinion. I don't think it's okay to have to continue to live in ways that compartmentalize and repress certain aspects of oneself in order to sustain some idea of general comfort. If the world can't be comfortable with you in your fullest of selves, then the world doesn't deserve you in your fullest of self. If people around you can't be comfortable with you in your fullest of self, then they don't deserve to be around you in that in your fullest of self. And I think that at least in a in a more microcosmic way, it's really important for people on the on individual levels to assess what that looks like in a lot of different aspects of their life. And honestly, for me, that I recognize that I can't listen to kind of general um ancestral, like authoritarian ideals like that, because at a very young age, you know, when my parents were getting divorced, I immediately in that through that whole circumstance learned that you know what, authority figures actually don't know what the fuck they're talking about all the time. They're like people who are older than me, people who you know claim to be my seniors, and you know, you know, there are people in positions of power that don't necessarily know what they're talking about, and I have the licensure to know exactly what I use that moment to understand that I have the licensure to understand more than people who are, you know, allegedly in positions higher than me or you know, are in positions of power over me. Quotation marks, strong quotation marks. Um, to what the doctor was talking about, two things. It also makes me think about um what he was saying made me think about the idea of being grateful and the idea of um shit, I forgot the other one. But um, but I'll just stick with the like the ah the kind of more detrimental notions of being grateful for things. Um, because I think that a lot of times, like the idea that you know you're in better circumstances or you know, you just You don't have to deal with X, Y, and Z. Ah, comparing circumstances. There we go. Comparing your circumstances, as well as like the idea of being grateful, it really has a tendency to completely push down what you're actually feeling because it's like, oh, well, I'm not going through this, and so I should be grateful on X, Y, and Z. But it's like the you I don't think that people should weaponize those ideas in that way. It's like if you're feeling bad about something, it's okay to feel bad about those things, and it's okay that you're going through them. But to compare your circumstances and to compare, you know, or to say that you should be grateful for X, Y, and Z because you know, you're in whatever, you know, one, two, three position, it it's not helpful. It's also, in my personal opinion, a weaponization of positivity in a way that doesn't actually really do anything for you. Oh no, I remember what the other thing was. It was the idea of spirituality and of faith. Um a lot of people don't may or may not know. I'm not the most most faithful person. Um, I don't entirely agree with the notion of faith in some way, shape, or form. Even when I use it, it's in a very like fast and loose kind of way. So um the word faith doesn't mean a lot to me. Um partly because I am, you know, I'm not spiritual, I'm not religious, you know, I don't have any of those aspects in my life that, you know, really continue to influence me in a very foolhardy, you know, very explicit and overt way. But like like the ideas of gratefulness and spirituality continue, in my personal opinion, to put people in positions to have to deny themselves in ways that probably go back to some very, very old and very white, like Protestant ethical systems that people don't know continue to work their way through our lives in a lot of different ways. Um, yeah, yeah. So let that shit go. Let all those things go. I think it's important to let all those things go because if we don't let go some of these ideals that frankly just tell us to repress ourselves, you know, in a lot of in whatever way you see fit for your ability to function, which, you know, in general, in my personal opinion, isn't healthy, especially if you're not doing harm to anyone explicitly in doing so. Like if you're like if you feel like you want to bless kids or some shit like that, keep that shit to yourself and don't do it. That repress that, or you know, whatever. But otherwise, if it's something that is something that's you know pivotal to who you are, pivotal to how you're feeling, pivotal to your personal or social identity, then let that sh l live in it, be in it. It's okay to be in those things. It's not always pretty. I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna lie and say that it's always something beautiful or something, well, even even to use language like that is extremely it's like it's a slippery slope because then you get into like, you know, what is beautiful, blah, blah, blah. But live in it, live in those things authentically. Those things are what allow you to move throughout the world in the ways in which you do. And understanding those things is important, but also making sure that you know you can you feel comfortable moving safely through the world in your fullness is also important. And if you feel like you can't do that, then that's one, a therapy session. Two, it's also a very important moment of re-examination as to why you don't feel comfortable doing so in the first place. Yeah, okay, I'm done.

SPEAKER_12 1:09:31

I wanted to um to add that generationally, you know, our our parents' generation and the generation before, they were dealing with the same mental illness that we were, that we are dealing with, but they just didn't want to claim it. They didn't, they wanted to completely ignore it. And so they often made us feel alien with our feelings. And so I have to say, I'm proud of our generation to kind of break out of that curse, so to speak, from our parents, from our grandparents, and so on and so forth, because they dealt with trauma. But then they wanted us to say that we need to be grateful that we're not dealing with their trauma. They don't understand that them not claiming their trauma is passing down trauma of our own and being us to deal with our own trauma on top of that. So I had intergenerational. So I had to really, you know, kind of sit down and analyze myself, but also sit down and analyze my my family. And, you know, to see like, am I alone? You know, am I the only one dealing with this? Am I the weird one? Because you know, if you had depression, it was a it was a something that could be optimize or you need to hurt or you need a price, you can't say it was something that was negative.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:57

You got to be certified crazy to speak to.

SPEAKER_12 1:11:00

Well, right, you know, so if if that is a weakness, even you know, even the little things on your tender head. It's like, you know, the the thing of we can't even feel fine, you know, that's not even feeling this thing is is weakness on your tender head. It's like but it's but you know, it's funny, it it just it just kind of boils down to we're not allowed to voice our first. And now we are starting to, you know, I I feel at ease that collectively hearing from multiple black people that they deal with trauma and depression and anxiety. This is not something that I was accustomed growing up at all. This is something that I'm more so seeing within the last maybe three years, all due to social media, because we didn't have people in my neighborhood say, as a black person, I deal with depression, you know, I deal with, you know, this disorder or I deal with this. Like we didn't have that. I didn't have that, you know, and most likely, you know, the panel probably didn't really see a jury of their peers as well to kind of communicate on that level. But really and truly, I look at my family, you know, and I'm like, they all had trauma and they all deal with the same shit that I deal with. They just didn't have the same, you know what I'm saying? So they never had the help or think that they don't need the help because they just bottled in and they just keep on to the next. But at least we are able to claim and see what the fuck we're going through and why we're going through it and the root of it. It's always good to analyze why do we feel this way? And then where did it start from? And you'll be amazed when you go in 20 almost 25 years, and so you're saying this is something I'm dealing with from a child. You know what I'm saying? And why am I dealing with this? Why do I feel this way? How is this affecting me in my 30s? And then you have to then start to realize it, claim it, and then unpack that to really start to grow. So, you know, it's okay. Depression is not an overnight, you know, cure. And it's okay if it's lifelong, but as long as you you know what it is and you know how to deal with it and you and you can start healing, the journey of healing can be lifelong as long as you just know that you have to heal from that. That's what I really think is the main part about mental health.

SPEAKER_06 1:13:29

You know, one of what you just said, like one of the it made me think about like a lot of people don't understand that the human brain isn't finished fully being fully developed until like age 25. So like around all around the, I think it's at age 25, but I think it's somewhere around there. But like, so but that means like from the time you're born up into your mid-20s, everything that happens to you, you either find yourself, you either remember why like the the the um the core, the the the the key like pivotal moment, the the the the the like that pivotal moment in history that spawned that particular behavior, or you don't. And you know, like and I guess like at a certain point, people, I don't think people have a have the the the cognizance on their own to really recognize like oh shit, I do this thing, or I have this habit, or I have this personality trait because of these series of experiences or because of this particular thing that triggered my reaction to only act in this way for an extended period of time and just now now that's just who I am. Like, no, it just it it's like it's this it's a fine line between this is who I am, it's like I am who I am because of these reasons. And I don't and it I think it it's it's really troublesome to find people stuck in that that that I don't want to call it a gray area because I like gray areas, but like in that I'll call it an unconscious area of who they are, and just kind of this place of solid acceptance rather than true analysis of who they are. It's like I I want people, I personally want people to move beyond this understanding of this is the person I am, is like, no, I am this way because of. I've grown to become this person because of these things. You simply are never who you are just you know by virtue of the fact that you were just born that way. In some ways, yes, but in other ways, absolutely not. Um, personality traits, in my personal opinion, do not ever just find themselves, you know, appearing or just existing in the same way that we want to say things simply existed. Like, even if you take, in my well, just even if you take the kind of uh the stance of like creationism as like your belief structure, even God, even God doesn't just create things out of nothing, like things had had to have come together, even if it by was by his own force of energy or will, like something was created or developed. And so if human beings, by extension of that, you know, divine power, you know, completely non-existent, to be imbued with this kind of actually, you know what? I'm gonna backtrack. Soul is a perfect example. Um, when we see the two characters, um, the the unborn soul and um Mr. Gardner going through and experiencing life. This unborn soul has had so many so many experiences that has not made them want to be born. But they they it wasn't until they were actually in life experiencing something where they were like, you know what, I actually want to do this. And Mr. Gardner had to learn his own lessons about life and you know, the kind of person that he was and what he was meant to do or meant to be. And it wasn't until having to show someone else or even just live through the mundaneity of life in certain ways, or just kind of see, you know, understand certain things that there's this appreciation for the person that he always was and already was. Trying to chase after this kind of or trying to solidify this intangible ideal of who he was as a person was a moot project. And ultimately it didn't have any full fuller practical meaning outside of the idea itself. And I think that that's kind of where a lot of people find themselves is like, oh, I'm this kind of person, I'm this kind of person because I do these kinds of things and you know, I I time here and I do X, Y, and Z. It's like, well, no, you're not that person. Like, yeah, the person that you have become does those things, but you are not that person because of those things itself. Like you don't, you don't the person, like the things you produce don't make you who you are. The reason why you produce them makes them makes part part is largely part what makes you who you are. I don't know if any of that made sense. So I'm gonna stop talking.

SPEAKER_12 1:17:53

Yeah, okay. No, getting your you getting your degree, you are not your degree, you are not your accolades. You see what I'm saying? It's your determination or who you are as a person that might have helped you get that degree. But a lot of times people put our worth in what we get. You know what I'm saying? Like people put our worth in our achievements or you know, our our our money or our success. But our money, success in accolades does not make us, which often often is pushed upon and that is what makes us. You know what I'm saying? So what you said made complete sense.

SPEAKER_10 1:18:27

I I have a few things that I want to touch on um before I forget, going going all the way back to um the doctor um with vulnerability um is definitely something I struggle with. Um in the whole comparison um thing that the black McCoy was talking about. Like there are so many moments in my life going going all the way back to college. There are so many moments in my life where I have literally not sought out somebody or talked out my issues with somebody because I'm always in in that mind frame of, well, it could be so much worse to me. Like you you have you're doing this, you're doing that, you have, you know, you have your family, you're you're in school, like you're like there's so many things that I look at and evaluate about myself before I um quote unquote complain to somebody about you know my personal issues or feelings. And I and it in fact during the um during 2020, it was it was a huge thing, like it even spilled over into work um because when they started to um like bring people back into the building, like I I already knew from a mental health standpoint that I did not want to be back in the building. Like I was I was literally deathly afraid. But for me, the first thing I thought of was like I'm single, I don't have any kids, um, and you know, all of my coworkers have families, they have, you know, children they have to take care of um with virtual school and all this stuff. And they there they probably can't come back to work right away, but we need people in the office. So, you know, I I literally went to my supervisor, like, um, I I don't I don't want to go back in the office. Like, I don't want to be the first one to reconstitute, but um, but I don't feel like I I should be allowed to to be like, oh no, I don't, I don't want to be back in the office because like ain't nobody at home with me, like taking, you know, I'm not taking any risk by bringing it back to somebody or my family or anything of that nature. But um, but he's he quickly said Tiffany, like, just because you know you don't have these things doesn't mean that you're you're any less, like your feelings are any less important than you know, your coworkers. Like if you're if you're uncomfortable, like you have to you have to take a step and and think about yourself too. So um so that that whole aspect of of being vulnerable or even you know thinking of my my issues before somebody else's uh is definitely something that I struggle with and still struggle with um like now, like currently. So um, so I definitely feel um everything that the doctor was saying about you know that aspect of um mental health. Uh damn, I forgot. What was that? It was like two more things. Um as far as like um our past and our ancestry and things like that. So firsthand, uh the my in college, I I left Virginia State University because I was in a in a state where I I did not feel safe from myself. I did not feel comfortable being away from home and by myself because I was just so mentally and emotionally drained. So I did not feel comfortable staying at university. Um one, because I wasn't dealing with any of my feelings, I wasn't talking to anybody or anything like that. And I just decided that I need to come home. And when I came home, and I felt I felt guilty for coming home because here I am. Um somebody, I don't know if y'all can hear that. It's probably loud. But anyways, here I am, somebody, you know, whose whose parents is paying for school. I got a free ride to school, um, and I want to come home because I'm sad. And and I felt I felt super guilty about it. But then I felt so bad about it that I it was like the first time I I ever wanted to tell a family member. So I told my mom. And the first thing that came out of her mouth, I love you, mom. I don't know if she's gonna listen to this episode, but the first thing that came out of her mouth is black people don't deal with that type of stuff. Like, she was like, You gotta get it together, Tiffany. Like, you you you gotta get it together. Like, like you, she was like, You you got this. She she she gave me a whole list of all the good shit that's going on in my life. Um, and and it was all things that I'm already thinking about long before I decided that I needed to come home. And the fact that she told me that, you know, black people don't deal with that. After that, it was it was very easy for me to to shut down to everybody else, um, which is another reason why I did not uh I did not try to reach out to other people when it came to my um depression and anxiety. I I literally bottled it up, or I tried to find ways to cope with it on my own without talking to anybody about it. Um and and and in that that's when I feel like I became high functioning, because that that that like uh the black McCoy was saying was a pivotal moment for me. Um like just taking away from that that moment, like, oh well I can't, I can't be, you know, I can't just leave school, like I can't be weak, I can't I can't take a moment to myself because that's not what we do. So after that, I I I do consider myself even now a high-functioning um person who suffers from depression and anxiety. Um like taking a break for me, it like is I like it, feel guilty saying no to people, feeling guilty. So um, so I definitely think it's something that you know you you can you take away from your ancestors or your parents in the generations before, um, because this is something that was instilled in them. Um my mom is also very um very religious. Uh so um yeah, she's never told me to like prey on anything, but um I know that my grandmother uh instilled that in her. So um I would say she's more liberal when it comes to the this the religious aspect of it. Um but I know that in her head, she's like like she came, she she's not as high as as as my grandmother on a prey on it type deal. So she came a step down and was just like black people don't deal with that. So so um, so I think it is it is important for us, our generation, um, to break these barriers and these cycles on on the stigmas with you know dealing with mental health, um, and especially for black people, because it it is okay to not be okay. And and that's something that I'm finally um, you know, realizing myself, it's okay not to be okay, and it's okay to talk to people about not being okay. Um and then the the last point, um the black mccoy mentioned um like brain, like your like how your brain functions or whatever. So this is one of my favorite books. It's called Healing, Anxiety and Depression, and it's by Daniel G. Amen. He's a doctor. Um, but my favorite thing about this book is it taught it is not just it's not just the emotional and and you know, thoughts of depression and anxiety. It talks about the science of it, um, you know, with your hormones and and how the brain works and and things like that. So um there's even like brain imaging of people who's who suffer from depression and anxiety, and like the difference in the functioning.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:00

um just you know how the body works biologically when it comes to these things uh it's not always um it's not always just about you know your feelings or not being able to process them there are biologically sometimes there are um things that are actually different from you to the next person um so I this is I love this movie um but um I think I I think that's everything that I wanted to say because it because it was everybody's talking and then I was like ooh ooh ooh ooh I want to talk about that so yeah you know and to piggyback off of that which you know first off I 100% agree with everything you know Miss Gills just said like especially I empathized a lot around you know the whole um oh well you know we don't deal with that as black people and I was fortunate that my parents weren't like that but a lot of my family was you know and especially a lot of my church who you know there was they were a big part of my family for most of my you know childhood they were like that and that's the one reason why I think getting away from that particular you know um group was one of the biggest things for my mental health you know but to a bigger point you know black people and black families we really need to be honest with ourselves about how serious mental health is it gets dismissed so much and you know and I've you know done tons of talks and presentations where you know I'd have the way you know like a part of my work is around mental health and suicidality and whatnot and black people are one of the highest risk groups for suicide whether you're talking about black adults black youth you know black LGBT black LGBT people especially you know but we're one of the highest groups and black and so many black people I have you know kind of presented this to and whatnot just don't believe me. They refuse to believe that it's even possible that this could be true. You know I've heard many times oh well you know I feel like this is more of a white thing or no that can't be right. I don't know anyone who's been through that well yeah you probably do but they're not going to tell you because they know what you think about you know no like no one's gonna tell you that if you no one wants to be dismissed. You know so we really need to take a step back and understand how serious this is even though you know it is difficult you know it's difficult to admit weakness when you're in a marginalized state. That is just a reality here you know and I don't know it makes me think back to um the suicide of Nigel Shelby you know which I think was one of the more well you know like more popular like it's not only because it were popularized but it was one of the more um reported suicides of this young you know black queer boy and it was something that you know for a lot of black people they were like oh well you know this doesn't happen in our community and oh well he was just trying to be white you know I've I saw that pose sometimes but I mean it was I mean it was something tragic for real. It really was and it disappointed me white would say yeah I saw that comment white once he was trying to be white because it's we could talk about a whole nother you know topic of how people like there's many black people who associate being queer with whiteness. That's a whole nother topic I won't get into but it's a whole nother issue um which is also you know just not true they're playing black queer people but you know it speaks to this larger issue of I mean we just don't take you know we really need to work on taking mental health seriously and I'm glad to see we're shifting in that direction more and more you know we are having these conversations it's really important but you know I just I really want that to be more in the forefront of our minds and related to that we got to understand that you know displays of strength are not a means of coping. They're not you know and expectations of strength not only are they not a means of coping but they're active they're actually actively more harmful you know it is very harmful to expect us to be consistently strong because that you know it turns into not something that's a compliment or something that's oh you know a sense of pride because you're strong and you're powerful. No, it's dehumanizing. It is taking away an element of our humanity. And that's something that you know it's yeah again it goes back to us just being marginalized in this society where in some ways we have to be stronger in order to survive or in a lot of ways we have to be stronger. But we also have to acknowledge the toll that that takes and we have to have spaces in which we can you know honestly vent about that and be vulnerable like that is critical to our survival and our quality of life. So you know these are just things that you know as I you know listen to everyone's thoughts on this just keep coming to the forefront of my mind.

SPEAKER_11 1:33:23

It's it means something we've got to work on as a community I I don't think there's anything else to add to that is there well I was thinking after the doctor has mentioned about the the kid that committed suicide just parental blur um for anyone who has kids or nieces and nephews that are going through especially this pandemic thing um they don't mentally really understand what's going on. You can tell them a thousand times but they don't they're not soaking it in and being like okay this is a virus that's gonna last to I don't know. Like for instance our daughter keeps thinking it's gonna lie end in like March or something. I I don't know. She's just not taking a date yeah like but check in with your your kids or your nieces or your nephews that are used to going to school because this whole pandemic just like we're struggling they're struggling even worse because they don't they can't wrap their heads around it. So just check in on them to see where their head at is at even if they can't verbally you know explain this to how you would like it just check in with them to make sure they're okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:34:32

Yeah and to I think it's very easy for like adults and parents to forget that children are still people.

SPEAKER_12 1:34:38

Yeah absolutely sometimes they have their own minds their own thoughts rather than their own feelings it's just like you think just because they're a child you know oh you're okay you're just doing virtual learning it's all right sometimes children are more mature than adults from what I see you know they have more sense and empathy than grown people at times and so you have to really listen and evaluate children because they are pure you know and they give you pure thought you know and you just hear it how it is and so we can learn from children a really much so um especially with COVID 19 I've seen more empathy from from children than grown ass people. So um you know I completely agree with you um you know uh Damo I completely agree with you 100% I've seen more maturity and resilience with children than I have with adult people and that is telling something. So they really are the future of the generation for sure because you know they I they even though they might understand they might understand the science behind COVID, they're understanding that this is something that is detrimental and they're trying to wrap their head around it as best as they can, but they're trying pretty damn well. You don't see these kids out here acting a whole ass fool. They really are understanding and trying to be as responsible as possible. So I mean children to me are like the star player in this generation because I've seen more respect and responsibility from children to be truly honest. While they're dealing with their own internal battles like right exactly on top of on top of that they can't see their friends you know and they're still trying to find ways of being creative and and coping their own ways of coping.

SPEAKER_04 1:36:32

So you know yeah and I was gonna I was gonna add that you know one of the things we talked about is some of the generational things that our parents adopted from our grandparents and so on and so forth that they tried or are they literally were impressing upon us which is why we have so much you know mental strains and stress and things of that nature. And if you take it a step further and look at our nieces, our nephews, our sons, our daughters, our cousins, younger cousins they're going through something similar because they're the you know this is their pet this is their you know national or global situation. You know we have we've had I mean I saw meme yesterday we've gone through 10 big globalized or nationalized things in our lifetime. This is their biggest one and it's not a small one in any way shape or form. And just like we're going through it and we're experiencing it and we're trying to figure it out like you got uh like shampoo bracelets, uh Sayone and Ms Skittles were saying and the doctor was saying this is what they're going through. This is what they're trying to figure out and we we have to figure out the best way to listen and to help them cope with it. Are there ways that they can still you know have some levels of fun yes there is we just have to be if we have to we have to be creative. My nephew's birthday was just last month and you know normally we plan like six months in ahead what we're gonna do. Some crazy you know we've done Chuck E cheese we've done Sky Zone we've done all types of fun things but it's like this year we're like we can't go anywhere especially with not a bunch of people a bunch of kids a bunch of parents it ain't happening. So we had to be creative and I myself and my uh my sister we turned the entire house into an obstacle course got a bunch of Nerf guns and had a nerf war inside the house we invited his cousin over his two cousins and his sister and his other cousin and they just like lit up the whole house. We cleaned it up but they lit up the whole house because we had to figure out you have to find a way for these kids to be able to still they have so much energy yeah to be kids to be kids they have so much energy if you remember when you were a kid you had so much energy we had the opportunity to go outside and burn that off we had the opportunity to go to school and go to recess go to PE all like that's why we loved recess lunch and PE is because it was our opportunity to burn off all this access energy. They don't have that they wake up in the morning they sit on a computer from 6 a.m8 a 9 a.m till 2 p.m 3 p.m 4 p.m 5 p.m they literally like imagine being between five even four and 18 years old and doing the exact same thing you're doing at 20 30 40 right doing adult shit and doing adult sitting on a computer literally they're sitting on a computer for a nine to five staring at a screen I I'm I'm real honestly personally I'm scared for their mental health and I'm scared for their development into the future I understand that they have phones and tablets and laptops and computers and gaming consoles that they stare at all the time but then they they're supposed to get breaks and go outside and do stuff but it's it's like we s we were forcing them lack of a better word to sit on a computer for almost eight hours staring at a computer screen then to get some type of relax uh or some type of stress reliever because they can't go outside they're now staring at a screen they're staring at a tablet they're staring at a cell phone they're staring at the TV it's I'm scared to see how many kids are going to need glasses in the future.

SPEAKER_11 1:40:14

I'm scared to see their social development is going to be a little bit delayed. You know my mom does special ed so she's already talked about you know you're gonna have some socially inept kids when they go back to school. Yeah you know because they're not gonna know how to be in the classroom anymore or how to socialize like they're just gonna be like oh my god what should I do?

SPEAKER_04 1:40:38

Especially especially especially the younger ones especially especially the younger ones who haven't I mean I I I remember when the pandemic first started and there was that one meme of I think it was a four or five year old girl hadn't even been to school yet she was a kindergartner and she had to do virtual learning. Like she literally from the start of her curriculum her us her her academic learning she's never interacted with another child other than maybe when she went to preschool or her family members. So she doesn't know what school is when they get into school whenever that is and it's not looking like it's gonna be 2021 unless you're in Florida.

SPEAKER_11 1:41:20

Right right they're not gonna know what to do they're like like oh socially inept that's such a it's a way to describe us but this is a random question but the doctor have has anyone figured out a way to like test to see if someone is asymptomatic because all these schools keep saying oh we're gonna temperature check okay that's great but if I'm asymptomatic and that temperature check don't mean shit.

SPEAKER_05 1:41:52

You are exactly right about that so it's so funny because I've heard so many people swear that oh yeah why don't we just temper check everyone but no it only tests if you have a fever. Like that's really what it's measuring. If it's symptomatic you don't have a fever because you don't have symptoms so it does nothing. So you could do like the PCR test for instance um that's one that you know the name you know like the nasal swab and whatnot that catches a lot of asymptomatic people. It's also just very it's also more expensive, which is part of why you know in America with our you know healthcare system we don't do it for everyone. You know so yeah that would be the way to actually say all right let's do a test for let's say everyone going well for everyone like you could if you could set that up but we've not been able to really do that. I just think that it's for any school that's going to open up it should be a necessary step to screen every student very regularly. But then again I don't think school should be open period to be honest. I don't think it's I do not think it's safe. Like unless we're at a point where we really can get um vaccinations effectively you know and get to a point where one um everyone reaches a certain level of munity and whatnot then that would be a point where you can really start opening things back up. But until then like yeah you'd either need to say completely remote which you know I don't like it either for a lot of reasons. You know I think it's not absolutely not ideal but it's kind of the best we got right now. Or you you know you have to screen everyone with an actual antigen-based test which is a test that takes a test that tests you directly for virus as opposed to like no antibody tests are another option but that they have a lot of false positives. So that's the kind of issue of those. That's why it's really not recommended that you do just an antibody test. You know it's usually when they test people for COVID they're doing like the nasal swab which is an antigen-based test. But yeah ideally you know we should be able to screen everyone but you know like has been done some have like we've seen so much across the course of this pandemic our healthcare system has a lot of flaws.

SPEAKER_04 1:44:04

You know everything system has a lot of flaws. Well you're right yeah I mean so yeah unfortunately that's not where we are right now you know well I think yeah thank you that's a great question uh I think we've learned a lot because I am now a slightly uh more sadder than I was several moments ago this is no um right so uh we're gonna go ahead and wrap up the episode uh thank you all for listening um we're going to um uh of course come back with another episode next week and we're going to uh talk about a couple of things that have happened at the beginning of 2021 in our next episode uh but if you want to comment if you want to ask any questions um if you want to continue this conversation on our social media um on our social media pages uh you can reach out to us either at our mailbag which is the blurred spectrum at umbralstarcade.com or you can reach out reach reach out to us sorry on uh the blurred spectrum on instagram and facebook and blurred spectrum on twitter if you want to reach out to me such you know shogun i'm umbralstarcade on any plat almost any platform which is facebook instagram twitter youtube twitch all those um miss kittles uh misskittles tr underscore cosplay on facebook instagram and tick tock be on there uh shampoo bracelets shampoo bracelets on instagram and sham b on twitter the doctor open on facebook sayone savona cosplay on facebook saying underscore cosplay on instagram and savon a cosplay on tick tock and i think i might put some content one day don't say that while y'all lay in the back yeah with a busted challenge yeah with a busted challenge yeah i got no making the selling knees knees up get ready to animal we ain't gonna talk about that for both you and the kiddos please remember that amazon has knee braces for very low prices you owe the black mcoy uh the black mcoy on instagram and the black mcoy cosplay on Facebook all right uh thank you everybody for listening as I said please follow uh subscribe give us five stars on Apple Podcasts um message us on social media maybe we can answer one of your questions on one of our future episodes uh and uh stay tuned to our episodes in 2021 oh one more thing don't forget that we will be announcing the winner of uh not only our big cartoon face off but as well as the raffle that we've been doing for it as well yeah because y'all don't know who gonna win do ya you ain't raffle you better put our names in that damn raffle sheet what